Everyone Needs a Little Help Sometimes

Most of my close friends and family know that I’m now in counseling, seeing a dietician, regularly visiting my new doctor and on new medication. I can’t hurdle over my obstacles alone no matter how hard I tried, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Depression and a Binge Eating Disorder. Those things alone would be hard for anyone. What I was doing wasn’t working and I finally admitted that to myself and with the encouragement and support of my parents, I reached out to the medical professionals that are currently by my side. I was initially scared and mad at myself for not being able to do it on my own. I thought one day I’d wake up and just be able to power through my problems and be able to change things. I thought that if I just figured out how to overcome, my life would be better.

 

The truth of the matter is, my quality of life was very low. I didn’t do things that I loved anymore and I closed off people that cared about me and that I cared about. I was miserable and sick and ashamed of myself. I spent too long like that. Then I got a new job and I thought, “this is going to save me!” I got up in the morning, dressed nicely, put on my makeup, learned my new job, had a healthy packed lunch and I went home happy. I was enjoying myself and I thought that the new job was really going to turn my life around. It was a gift. It was my chance, my new world. Then I found myself sitting in a plastic chair being told that I was awesome, but that it wasn’t believed I could handle my new job. I thought I had been doing well, but my weight does hold me back. Still, I didn’t think I was going to be fired one week into my job. I learned quickly, preformed training well and got along with my coworker. It didn’t matter, though, because they ultimately chose someone else.

 

I was crushed. I walked out and sat in my car and cried. My new life, everything I was looking forward to, all that hope I put into that new job, the freedom it gave me… everything slipped away in the phrase “you can go home”. I was going to save for a car, I was going to save for my own apartment, I was going to spoil my niece and I was going to do something that I enjoyed. The drive home was silent. I turned the radio off. My brain turned it over and over in my head. I called my mom to tell her I was coming home and I texted my two best friends. (not while driving, mind you, that’s dangerous. I was devastated, not crazy.) I told everyone I was okay. I told myself that I was okay. I told myself that things were going to be okay. My dad called on his way to work to make sure I knew that things were going to be okay. Okay. Okay. OKAY! I had left home that morning looking forward to my job. I came back an hour later jobless.

 

It still makes me a little upset, but I am currently job hunting again and I don’t regret what happened. I’ve used the time to work on myself and get things in order. I’ve been diving back into things that I left behind when I was consumed with depression and ruled by my OCD. I knew that I wanted to change myself, so that I could give more of myself to my life, any job that I got, to my family and to the things that I wanted for myself. So ultimately, I’m happy. It wasn’t the easiest path to get to this place, but I’m here and I’m changing. I’m getting support and love from all directions and I’m realizing that things weren’t as bad, aren’t as bad as they seemed when there someone to talk everything out with. Counseling isn’t easy, but after I’ve been there and gotten new things to work on, I feel good and lighter. I leave some of my darkness there every time.

My medication seems to be working well so far and the counseling is great. These professionals that have been enlisted to help me really do care about me, I can tell. They’re working to help me get better so that I can have all the things in life that I want. I deserve that. So I’m saying that yes, asking for help is hard and you do need to be in a place where you want it, but it’s so worth it. I’m worth it, you’re worth it. If you know someone that you think needs it, tell them. My parent’s encouraged me. It took a while and a couple of tries but I’m in a good place. Don’t give up on the people you love and don’t give up on yourself. There was no new job that could set me free, I have to do that. Nothing was going to fix me. I was never going to wake up and just understand what I needed to do. I’m being gently guided in the right direction. Well, with a side order of tough love.

I am worth anything in this world. You are, too. You and the people you love are worth speaking up for. Talk to someone you care about, talk to a doctor, talk to a counselor or a therapist or clergy. You and I are worth the help it takes to get our lives back. I love my life where it is right now and I’ve got a long way to go. Not as long as if I’d kept at it alone, though.

Tags: acceptance, balance, binge, depression, diet, eating disorder, family, friend, friends, future, growing, happy, healthy, help, hope, job, learning, life, loving, obesity, peace, people, save, self harm, self help, soul, strength, weight, work

Mornings aren’t my strong suit.

This morning was a perfect example! My alarm went off at 7am. I snuggled back into my warm blanket and many pillows, easily drifting back to sleep. I heard the front door shut at my dad left at 7:15am for work but that barely registered. 8:15am my mom left for work, once again bringing me into the very early stages of wakefulness before I turned over and plunged back into slumber. Even when I was awake, I stayed curled up in bed basking in it’s toasty comfort and unwilling to move. I counted to one-hundred and then made myself throw off the covers and climb out of bed. It had just turned 9am.

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My reluctance, in part, comes from winter. It’s been getting down into the negative numbers for the night and early mornings here and though the inside temperature is set for the low seventies (Fahrenheit) the cold still sneaks in and makes itself known. I am “lucky” enough to have the bedroom with two walls that have nothing but the elements on the other side. I am also the farthest bedroom from the furnace. My room gets just a tad chilly. I wear long pajama pants and my long-sleeved shirt was thermal, but the chill still bites a little first thing in the morning and I’ll be honest… if I don’t have to be at work or an appointment, I don’t want to crawl out of bed until I either absolutely NEED to use the bathroom or my stomach starts growling. Until then, I pull the curtain so that blasted ray of light quits falling across my face and hunker down.

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I used to not care about this at all. It didn’t bother me. I’d put in my time getting up early for school through grade, middle, Jr. high and high school and then college. I had earned my late mornings! I had tried a few times to become an early bird, but I love my late nights and AM snuggle time too much to really cement an earlier schedule into place. I am, however, going to give it another go since in my healthier lifestyle endeavors, it would benefit me to get up early and have breakfast so that I can get in a good workout. Exercise makes me feel great, so if I do it before the middle of the day, I’ll feel better and be more motivated to get more done earlier. My brain understands this, I see how it works and I make a plan to go to bed a little earlier and wake up a little earlier… but when I’m half awake and surrounded by pillows, I just can’t pull myself upright until 9am most days.

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Maybe if I treated my workout like an appointment I have to keep, or if I set alarms one minute apart for fifteen minutes… or maybe just kick myself in the butt in the morning and remind myself to just DO IT already! Ah, but all reason seems to be of no consequence when I’m in the perfect comfy position. This is something I’m going to keep focusing on, though. I can train myself to get up earlier, I just know it! I have to find what works for me.

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Now, lets see if I can go get dressed for work without giving into the temptation to flop back down onto my bed. Just ten minutes! (it’s never just ten minutes, haha!)

Tags: healthy, learning, life

Who do I want to be today?

This is a question I’ve started asking myself in the morning to make sure I start the day on the right foot, thinking about positive goals and changes so I’m more inclined to work on breaking bad habits and sticking to my healthy plans. Who do I want to be today? I’m not getting ready to play dress-up or anything, but more deciding what kind of person I’m going to be. What kind of person am I working towards being? What kind of person can I be so that I’m proud of myself at the end of the day, so that I’m happy and so that I can say “Yeah, I had a great day!”

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I want to be healthy! So, I’m thinking about food for the day. I’m going to avoid my dad’s cookie stash, I’m getting ready to make a healthy spinach omelet for breakfast, I’m planning on making my mom and me a veggie-packed stir fry for dinner and I’m going to re-organize the fridge and put all of my healthy stuff on a separate shelf for myself so I don’t have to dig around and remind myself that there’s leftover pizza or a container of chip dip or anything like that.

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I want to be strong! So I’m exercising today. I’ll be sore and out of breath and sweaty, and half way through I’ll really want to quit… but I’ll stick it out and I’ll be stronger for it. It’s been a week since my friend and I officially started our healthy path, so I’m a week stronger than I used to be. When I exercise I make my body, my arms and legs, my core, my heart and my lungs stronger. I’ll follow up with something healthy and full of protein to help my muscles recover, to give them what they need to keep me going to the next workout.

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I want to be honest! With my binge eating disorder, I’ve done a lot of lying in the past about food. Who ate all the fill-in-the-blank? Not me! Where did all the whatever go? I don’t know! Who hid all these candy wrappers here? Not me! So I’m going to try my best today, and own anything I do. I’ll let my healthy buddy know what I’m up to so we can cheer each other on. I’m going to try my best not to fall into unhealthy habits that I’ll want to conceal from my friend and family.

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Other things I think about are being a great daughter, sister, aunt, friend, employee… what can I do today for the people around me? Things as simple as cleaning or making dinner to other stuff like donating and/or volunteering for charity. Anything I can do today to feel like I’ve been the kind of person that I look up to, the kind of person that my parents raised me to be.

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It’s a lot of thinking, but it gives me some quiet, thoughtful time in the morning and it really helps me get in a good mind-set for the day. By the time I’m done, I’m usually ready for breakfast! Remember that you’re worth anything in this world! Your worth being the kind of person that you want to be, you’re worth being happy at the end of the day.

Tags: balance, eating disorder, exercise, family, friend, friends, happy, healthy, help, hope, learning, life, obesity, peace, save, self help, soul, strength, weight

Bee pollen and maca powder and chia seeds, oh my!

Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it! Oh well. I was planning to get up at 7am. My alarm went off, I pushed the button to silence it… and went back to sleep for an hour. Up at 8am, spent some time waking up and then got down to making myself a good breakfast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That mess, haha, is an omelet! I sauteed up a whole bunch of celery, carrots, water chestnuts and garlic with veggie seasoning in a little bit of Best Life Buttery Spread. I poured two beaten eggs over it and then put some grated mozzarella cheese on it before “folding” it. As you can see, there’s quite a bit more veggie than egg, so it turned into rubble, but it was delicious! I was a little overzealous in my veggie content, but it turned out yummy and very filling. With it, I had a piece of Aunt Millie’s 100% wheat toast with “buttery” spread and a cup of green tea. There is a tiny rubber ducky floating in my tea. I’m not a morning person and he puts a smile on my face.

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Then, I exercised! I worked on doing calisthenics today so I did crunches, and side crunchy things and Russian twists and worked my legs a bit, but Franken-leg protested so I didn’t push myself into doing squats today. I worked out for half an hour, drank a lot of water and ended up feeling a bit nauseous but good! My friend checked in with me and we both got out exercise in! We’re awesome. We both were feeling it, but were glad we did it. Sent some encouraging texts and then I got to lunch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Much prettier than breakfast! Turkey with romain lettuce, 2% cheese and spicy brown mustard that held on a teaspoon of chia seeds quite nicely! On the side I had some Veggie Medley veggie chips. It had sweet potato, carrot, green bean, squash and taro slices and pieces in it. Very good! The carrots and green beans are on the sweet side. I like the lightly salted crunch snack it made. Now, my pudding. I got ambitious and put a tsp of bee pollen powder and a tsp of maca powder in my sugar-free Jello pudding snack. I used a little bit of 2% milk to keep the consistency right, but that much powder in the little bit of volume that the pudding offered was just too much. The flavor turned bitter and muddy. In a smoothie, I think it would be fine with the berries and yogurt and ice. I ate it, really, but didn’t enjoy it. Each individual ingredient didn’t taste bad (I tried everything before adding) but all together was just too much. That tall glass of water helped me get it down, haha!

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For dinner, we’re going to have skinless chicken breasts on the bone along with whatever veggie my parents bring home and quinoa! I’m looking forward to trying it for the first time. I know so many people that really like it and even have it in kind of a porridge for breakfast. If this goes well, I might have to order 5lbs instead of 1lb next time! The parents will have mashed potatoes to fall back on if they don’t like the quinoa.

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Alright, I’m going to have some quiet time before I get down to cleaning the living room! Weeeee, burn some more calories. Hope everyone is having a great day!

Tags: diet, eating disorder, eggs, exercise, family, happy, healthy, help, hope, learning, life, obesity, self help, strength, weight

Setting myself up to win.

Steps I’m taking to ensure I stick to creating a healthier me! I’ve started this journey before and gotten derailed, this time I’m putting some extra incentives in the mix to make sure that even when I don’t think I want to push myself… I remember how much I want to push myself!

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1.) Hanging out with my toddler niece more. She keeps me moving, having fun and is a reminder of why I want to be in this world and able as long as I can. Also, keeping her snacks healthy keep mine healthy, too!

2.) Having a buddy with the same goals coming from a similar place. We’re getting in touch tomorrow to make sure we’re exercising and making the right choices. I’m excited to have someone in the flesh to hang out with and understand what I’m going through.

3.) Incorporating new, healthy foods every month. My order of healthy ingredients in scheduled to arrive tomorrow! That’s super exciting. I’m looking forward to trying quinoa as I’ve heard really good reviews of it! There’s room in the food budget to try at least one new healthy thing every month when I get my “allowance”. New food, ingredient, recipe… something!

4.) New exercises! I admit that last time, my exercise routine worked and it kept me moving but it was the same every day. I also plan on alternating cardio and strength so while my muscles are recovering and resting, my circulatory system gets a good workout. As I lose weight and get stronger, I’ll be able to try different things.

5.) KISS. Keep It Simple, Sistah! At least in the beginning. Calorie counting, exercise and healthy food. When I progress, I’ll probably get into everything more in depth and think more carefully about macro breakdowns, but I don’t want to get too excited and overwhelm myself. I think it’s most important that I just get some weight off at this point. I have a long road ahead of me!

6.) Rewards. Yup. I’m a total goober that will work my butt off if you dangle something shiny in my face. One month into my healthy routine, if I’ve been good, I get to buy myself a manicure kit. Nothing super expensive or anything, just the tools to treat my hands right and take care of these long overlooked ragged cuticles. I’ll get the right tools, maybe some cuticle oil or nice lotion and, of course, new polish! A little reward for sticking to it and making my body a better body to live in. Six month and year reward will be a little bigger, but I haven’t thought of what to tempt myself with, LOL.

7.) Writing about it! Which means this blog. Instead of dumping things bit-by-bit on Facebook or whatever site I’m chillin’ on, I’ll write a blog post and get it all out in the detail that I’d like. Even if it’s to vent or ramble or rage, it’ll be healthy.

8.) Photo journal. I took pictures of myself before, and it was so rewarding to watch my face slowly shrink. I don’t have a scale at home and I doubt my measurements are as accurate as they should be, so taking photos and being conscience of how my clothes feel are good ways for me to tell that I’m doing the right things.

9.) Planning. Am I going to be at work? Have a lunch packed so I don’t end up with a bag of chips and a soda. Is it going to be a busy day? Pre-cut veggies for snacking, pre-measure smoothie ingredients, fill a bottle with water to make sure I remember to stay hydrated. What am I planning to eat tomorrow? Find out at least a day in advance and put the recipe out on the counter. Even track my calories if I know what I’ll be eating.

10.) Cheat days. With my binge eating disorder, you’d think that restricting harshly would be best. I’ve found that if I never let myself have a cookie or a scoop of ice cream or even a trip to the Chinese buffet every once in a while, I end up binging and binging for a week. I’d rather allow myself one day a week of not totally losing control, but loosing the reigns and not worrying about a bit of an unhealthy meal or dessert, or both! This will allow me not to freak out if I end up going out with a friend or making a frozen pizza for dinner. Not sure if I’m going to not count calories on these days or if I’m going to track to keep myself aware, just not worry about going over.

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This time around, I’m coming at this in a more thoughtful manner. I have the experience of my last stint on the healthy wagon and I’ve had lots of great people in my life giving me advice, encouragement and recipes! They remind me who I want to be and who I can be. My new bum leg will provide maybe a bit of a bump in the road, but exercising has been doable so far and it hasn’t complained too much. Hopefully I’ll receive some paperwork soon so that I can apply to see a doctor. Everything seems very encouraging at this point!

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Tomorrow, I am going to wake up early and make myself a veggie-packed omelet to get my day going! This will be paired with a cup of green tea and a slice of whole wheat toast. (For some reason, a meal doesn’t seem complete to my tummy without some carbs) Then, I will do crunches and reverse crunches and Russian twists and squats until I am so exhausted that I must lie in a puddle on the floor before standing. Really going to be pushing the limits tomorrow. Then lunch should be a sammich or salad with turkey, veggie “chips” and a Jello 60 calorie pudding cup. Then shower (I’ll need it by then!) and shopping that I’ve been putting off all week! Not sure when my friend will be getting in touch with me so I’m not sure when she’ll be added to that schedule. Hopefully my healthy order will come tomorrow! It’s tracking number promises that it’s on time, I just don’t know when it’ll be showing up

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Alright, here I go! Wish me luck.

Tags: acceptance, balance, binge, depression, diet, eating disorder, exercise, family, friend, friends, future, happy, healthy, help, hope, learning, life, obesity, save, self help, soul, strength, weight, work

New year… new life? I hope so.

I don’t really get caught up in the New Year Resolution stuff. It just happens that this is around a year since my whole leg trauma and me being sicker than I can ever remember. I feel Pretty good right now. Well, compared to feeling like hell at the time, anyway. I’ll take it! I even seem to be avoiding the cold my mom has, so lets keep our fingers crossed.

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Starting this Saturday, I’ll have a buddy in my weight loss journey! She’s a really good friend who is also plagued by the term “morbidly obese” on her medical records. We both want to get our butts in gear and it’s supposed to be easier with a buddy. She’s getting into Weight Watchers and I’ll be falling back on what worked for me in the past, tracking my calories and exercise at www.livestrong.com with the support of the community there. Even though we’re not officially starting until Saturday, today I tracked my calories and got in a half hour of exercise. I’m surprised that I wasn’t back to starting from scratch since I’d fallen of the exercise bandwagon over a year ago.  Then again, I don’t think I ever broke back into my highest weight range again, so that helps, too.

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Today, I wanted to do some weight training, but my left arm was strained from lifting bags of driveway salt at work, so I decided to focus on calisthenics and cardio. I pumped up my balance ball since it makes exercise easier for me and I got down to doing crunches, Russian twists, side crunchy things… don’t know what they’re called, and squats. Then I “jogged”. I only got in a half hour of each type of work out, which was a little disappointing, but I haven’t been at it regularly in a long time. I started out only being able to do 8 minutes of a video workout DVD! So, like I said, I’m not starting from scratch. I’m still stronger than I was a few years ago. Just have to dust myself of and keep pushing.

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My exercise reminded me today that I do like it. I like to sweat a little, feel my muscles moving, get that tingly rush of adrenaline and a burst of energy. My bad leg fared pretty well. I would not be able to do squats without the ball, though. One step at a time! I really thought I was going to dread doing it, and I did a little bit in the middle of my workout, but I pushed through a kept going. It was worth it, definitely.

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I wish we had more fresh stuff in the house, but the produce at the store looked dreadful when my parents went shopping. With leftovers and more processed foods than I’d like, though, I came out within my calorie goal and have enough for a snack later. I’m going to get into post-workout smoothies (well, maybe even breakfast smoothies and stuff when I’m not in the mood or have time to make an omelet or whatever else) so I’m going to order all kinds of healthy additives. Spirulina, bee pollen, green tea powder, cacao nibs, carob powder… I forget… LOL, but I’ve been looking up all kinds of things for an added nutrient boost and found a lot of it at one of my favorite websites www.nutsonline.com . Good prices, too. I’ll be a smoothie makin’ booty shakin’ lady in no time! I’ll pick up things locally that I can like frozen berries, whey protein powder, spinach, flax and fresh items to get a pretty decent “meal in a glass” going. I think that protein shakes after my workouts helped my muscles recover, so I’m happy to get back into that. Low cal additives that pack in vitamins and antioxidants just seem like a good idea and I’ve seen some great examples looking around the interwebzz today.

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So, I’m excited. I’m grateful to have this real life person to go through it with me. No judgment or anything like that, just friends that are out for each others’ best interest. We can be hard on each other when we’d rather waffle and curl up with a bowl of ice cream.  She’s also firm with me about getting my health care in order. I’m still trying to find a way to be able to afford a doctor and prescriptions. If I don’t, my mom will tell on me and my friend will kick my butt!

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Now, I’m going to go relax. I’ve actually gotten a lot done today. Tomorrow, I’m going shopping for healthy lifestyle friendly items and I will then claim a shelf in the cupboard and one in the fridge as my own so I don’t have to wade through potentially triggering items when grabbing some noms. Out of sight, out of mind, right? If I can get through this first month, it will get easier since I’ll have made paths for new, healthy habits in my brain. Yay for healthy habits!

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I hope each and every one of you have a wonderful, blessed, healthy, happy 2011. You’re worth it.

Tags: acceptance, diet, eating disorder, exercise, family, friend, friends, future, happy, healthy, help, hope, life, obesity, self help, strength, weight, work

Recovery happens in waves.

I’ve been depressed. I felt like if I admitted this, that it was admitting that I was losing my battle. To admit that old feelings were creeping around under my skin was failure. I ignored the facts that I knew and understood while not depressed: that I strive to make myself more depressed, that I close myself off, that I lie, that I avoid myself and the people that I love. There’s been a lot of stress in my world and I’m currently not medicated for my depression or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It makes things difficult sometimes. I’ve been using excuses to not practice coping mechanisms like writing, meditating, exercising. Recovery isn’t smooth sailing, though, as much as anyone would like to believe that it is. There are crests and troughs to deal with, highs and lows. You just get better at dealing with them.

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When I’m depressed, I don’t brush my hair. I just don’t. Don’t care enough to do it when I’m low. This should be a warning sign, but sometimes I want to be depressed, so I let it go. Yes, I said that I want to be depressed. Sometimes, when it starts, I just think “What the hell? Might as well ride this out.” Then I get caught up in feeling sorry for myself, and dig in a little deeper, then the darkness reminds me of what I was. Who I was when I was completely overwhelmed. The darkness tells me that it’s all that I’ll ever be, and I let myself believe it because it seems easier, and I just can’t bring myself to believe in myself instead.

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There is one stride that I’ve made that I have not fallen back on. I no longer self harm. Self mutilate, cut, whatever you want to call it. I started when I was young, before it was “cool”, before I knew that is was something that other people did. I enjoyed it. We enjoy our addictions to some degree, no matter how destructive. It was a thrill, exhilarating and the pain took away focus from how I felt emotionally. It was pain I controlled, on my terms that no one else could claim or inflict upon me. I liked the blood. I thought it was beautiful and tragic in an admittedly cliched sort of way. It was comforting and I told myself that I wasn’t addicted to it. Addicted? No! Of course not. Whenever I was sad, though, or hurt or depressed or angry I would cut myself, stab myself. I had hidden razor blades, needles, knives, broken glass and countless excuses.

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I thought that my ability to write about this had dried up. It has been years since I’ve self harmed, my mom has even stopped giving me “the look” when she notices my scars. Then, my niece saw the scars from my last cutting session. I have a few pretty gnarly scars from it. She’s two now, so just an itty-bitty. She saw my scars and just got this sad, upset expression and pointed. She kept saying “boo-boos” and making sad noises before coming over to me and kissing my shoulder. I hugged her and told her they were all better, it was okay, they didn’t hurt anymore. A reassuring smile and we were off to play time. I wanted to cry, though. My family and I just ignored it around each other mostly. I knew they didn’t like it, but we didn’t talk about it. My niece got so upset that I had boo-boos… I just felt stupid and selfish for all of it all over again.

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I don’t think that before I ever realized as much that the pain I cause myself pains the people that love me. It’s easy to think that when I’m depressed and hating myself that what I do to myself is self-contained. Needless to say, my niece would have been just as upset if I had stubbed my toe or gotten a wicked paper-cut, but she’s an open, honest, emotional child and has shown me that she loves me and when I hurt, she hurts. It’s a two-way street, of course, and I never thought I’d feel that way about any child since I’ve never planned on having my own… but that’s an entirely different blog post.

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So, I let myself get more depressed than I should have. I couldn’t just shake things off this time but I don’t have to “re-invent the wheel” with my progress, either. When I let my depression get out of control, it hurts the people around me, too. Next time, it’ll be easier to remember these things and I’ll be a better person for it. These past few months haven’t been a failure, I haven’t failed. I’ve just learned how to ride the high a little further and make the low a little more bearable.

Tags: acceptance, balance, cutting, depression, family, help, hope, life, peace, save, self harm, self help, soul, strength, suicide

Today was good, so I’ll take it.

Yesterday, I made fresh salsa with tomatoes from the garden. I put boneless, skinless chicken breasts in the fridge to thaw, I got everything ready to make dinner for myself and my parents today. I was looking forward to baking that chicken in my salsa with smoked paprika and all its wonderful veggie chunks… I was going to arrange it all beautifully over rice and serve it with roasted broccoli. I was going to take pictures. Sounds like a good plan, eh?

We got out of the house late to go grocery shopping this morning, had a ton of little side errands, picked up my niece to shop and spend time with us, hung out with my brother and sister-in-law, went to the bank, went to the Secretary of State, got home late, unloaded groceries and threw together a quick lunch. After being allowed to relax for a few minutes, company showed up and it just got later and later. My thawed chicken instead decorated a pizza because no one wanted to wait for rice (brown rice seems to take forever!).

Things didn’t go as plan, my meal plan changed… but I had a great day! I got to hang out with my family, I got out and about, found a new blouse and a sleek almost-blazer-like piece for job interviews I’ll hopefully be getting. I wasn’t planning on pizza calories, but it’s a small price to pay for the day I had. I even bought new shampoo! new shampoo is very exciting, I’m going to introduce it to my hair in just a few minutes.

So I’m going to try to remember this when the bigger things don’t go according to plan. Life happens, you know? I can’t micro-manage every moment and I wouldn’t want to. Seems like it would suck the life out of, well… life.

I’ll probably be back after Labor Day weekend since I’ll be spending it and the holiday working retail. I’m really hoping to make pretty food to share pics of with you!

Oh, oh it’s magic! No, not really.

I hate it when the people about me are miserable. I’m seeing a lot of great people really down on themselves lately because they’re feeling in a way that they haven’t experienced in this depth before. It’s hard to figure out what to do with yourself when you reach the point of “What the hell do I do now?” Where you consciously know that it’s time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on with it… but how? One mistake I see time after time is giving this mood, these feelings, this darkness time to resolve itself. As if, magically, the clouds will lift and it’ll be easier, and you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps because, somehow, your mood started the heavy lifting for you. You wait and you wait, ready for that epiphany to stroll by and smile at you, but you get caught up in coasting along in a horrible mood, feeling less like yourself than you ever have and you get stuck.

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I’m here to tell you, after spending years in the emotional trenches, that things don’t just happen to get easier. Maybe circumstances change in your life and things get better financially or physically, but turns like that don’t happen as easily on a mental level. You can’t wait out the issues you’re having with yourself and hope that one day the sun will come out and all the things will clear away that were cluttering up your head and your heart. I waited, I hoped and I prayed. I thought some magical wind would swirl down from the heavens blow away my depression, the dismal place my mind was, and I’d be able to fix my life then. I waited for it. I waited and waited and waited some more. You know what? Things got darker, I got more depressed, I got fatter, I did less, I enjoyed less and there seemed like there was less hope. It felt like punishment and I couldn’t see at the time that it was all at my own hand.

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You have to work for it. I’m sorry, it seems like a raw deal… but that’s what has to happen. You have to reclaim yourself from the bad funk your in and make your own life better. There’s no magic, there’s no mystery, there’s not some date in the future where things will just fall into place and, overnight, you’ll be happy again. You have, have, have to make an effort to be happy when you’ve been thrown into a deep, dark place in whatever situation helped put you there. It’s going to be hard, I wish that I could tell you that it wasn’t, but you have to fight for yourself.  Even when you don’t fee like it, you’ve got to get out there and put a brave face on. Even when it seems hopeless, because the gloom will try and trick you into believing that it is, you have to KNOW that you’re strong enough and can come out on top. Some days you’ll feel it, some days you’ll have to fake it until you do but working on it, your mood and yourself, is the only way that you’re going to get your life back.

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You’ve got to find what works for you and there are so many resources to address the things that are going on in your head and your heart and your soul. You can look to religion, no matter what form of it that you seek out and find that you can believe in and that soothes and rewards you spiritually. There’s meditation in all kinds of different incarnations and they do help you to reconnect with yourself and it helps you see who you are, what you want and quiets you inside enough to make a plan to figure out what you can do to get there. There is medicine, whether prescribed or something natural that you research and talk over with your doctor. Using medicine as a tool helped me get to the point where I can cope with life without the drugs. Talk to someone. Open up to someone whether it’s someone in the medical profession like a therapist or a clergy member or a family member or a friend or even a stranger. You can also write to get some perspective on your feelings and your situation. It also gives you a removed sense of self when you’re forced to slow yourself down to put it on paper, read it and consider it. Then, there’s exercise which is as good for your brain as it is for your body. Yoga, Tai Chi, kickboxing, swimming, running, whatever it is you can do, do it. Notice a theme here? All of this takes effort and going outside your comfort zone. All of it takes practice and patience and honesty with yourself. All of it is really, really hard.

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Why put forth all of this effort? So you don’t have days where you feel hopeless and worthless and depressed and stuck and miserable. Those days will still happen, but not in the quantity and they won’t be as hard to get through. If you work as hard on yourself as you would work on the other aspects of your world that you work for. Why should anything be worth more effort than your very self? Plus, when you take care of yourself, those other aspects of your life will improve as well. I admit that I have a long way to go on myself and things have been really rough lately, it’s been so hard but I can’t give up. Once you get out of that dark little box of despair, you don’t want to go back. Period. You don’t, and that’s the gift of getting out, you earn the will to fight to stay out of it.

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You have to decide. How do you like coasting along feeling like you do? What would you change? What are you willing to do to change it? What path would you like to follow? How can you get back on track. I’ve said it and I keep on saying it: You are worth anything in this world. You are worth trading in your bad days for mostly good days. You are worth a life full of beauty and light and adventure and love for yourself. Love yourself. It’s a simple concept but often times so hard to do. Love yourself despite your appearance and your faults and your quirks. Love yourself and know that you deserve the things in life that you want for yourself. You are worth love and I can say that I love you even though I may have never met you. I love you because you are a fellow wanderer in this world looking for what completes you, because you’re human, too. I have my faults and my quirks but I’m strong and I know that you’re strong, too. Things may not always seem right or seem fair, but we’ve got the tools to affect our lives for the better if we’re willing to use them. We have to make our own magic, and I intend to sparkle.

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Much Love,

~Glo

Tags: acceptance, balance, depression, diet, eating disorder, exercise, family, friend, friends, future, happy, healthy, help, hope, learning, life, loving, obesity, past, peace, people, save, self harm, self help, soul, strength, suicide, weight, work

Forget-Me-Not

So, as it usually goes, a silly FaceBook game got me thinking about things the other day. You were supposed to “like” a status and the owner of the “liked” status would share their favorite memory. Well, I went though this and claimed my gem of a memory of me… but I was afraid to post my own invitation for my friends and family to have me post memories of them upon request. I was afraid that they wouldn’t like the memories I came up with, or would be hurt that I didn’t pick out a memory that they considered more special.  I thought this because, well… I wasn’t sure how I felt about the memory a friend had chosen of me.  At first.

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It’s silly, but the doubting, bruised, self-loathing side of myself was hurt that this memory wasn’t of an event or a talent being shown off or anything of that nature. This lovely friend of mine who I adore chose a moment that I had complimented her, said something odd but it was wonderful to her and she had remembered. The depressed teenager that hides in some small corner of my soul cried out in pain. Building other people up, is that all I’m good for? It hasn’t helped that I’ve been teetering on the edge with depression and my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I wondered if I was not a good enough friend to have left my own impression, one in which I shone, one moment that made a special place in her mind. The depressed teenager moped that my memory wasn’t mine at all, she had stolen the spotlight. After all, she was the one that was amazing in this memory.

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I started rooting around and discreetly collecting other memories. There were great memories of my writing, my piano playing, my crafting, silly moments and laughter… but there were, time and time again, the memories of me making other people feel good about themselves that shone the brightest, were held to hearts closest. That dark part of me wanted to feel bad, drag me down and twist these moments in any way they could to make me miserable and to feel not good enough, to feel less than I was, than I am. When depression starts sinking in, it will take anything nice and try to stab you with it. I was trying to drag myself down, anchored with nothing less than happy, wonderful memories. Then I tried to write down my hurt. I took out a random journal, as I have many with too many empty pages, too many angry pages, and I tried to write about being second rate in these favorite memories of me.

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I couldn’t do it. I got a sentence or two, not even a paragraph and I realized how silly my dark feelings were. First of all, how blessed am I to know so many people that hold memories of me dear to them? How wonderful is it that things I’ve said or written about my loved ones has stuck with them? Building people up, making people feel good about themselves… it’s one of the things I do best and I can’t for the life of my imagine how I could even begin to make myself feel bad about that. I make people feel so good that they remember it and not only that, but it’s one of their favorite moments shared between us. Then the rest is filled in with the laughter and the talent and the simple moments that friends share. How could I forget all this, when I hold dear the fact that a lot of people I love and that love me call me Glo for this disposition that I have? I Glow. I have the uncanny ability to make people feel warm and bright and safe, and there are times when I can tell someone more about themselves than they thought they expressed. I’m a cheerleader, a friend, a counselor and these simple facts about me should never make me feel bad. I love. These memories are love. How could that ever hurt me?

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Someone once wrote to me “you are a chandelier” and I didn’t understand it. I was afraid to ask. I was younger than and more afraid of everything and my state of mind hinged more on what people thought of me. I think I understand what that means now more than ever, and know that I’m a chandelier in more lives than I thought. I sparkle, I glow, I shine… I’m beautiful and I’ll do what I can to make you see the beauty and stunning brilliance in yourself.

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You’re worth anything in this world. You’re worth happy memories, good feelings, knowing you’re loved and that you matter to people. They have more favorite memories of you than you know, more surprisingly simple memories that would surprise you that they remember. They are the pieces of beauty that you place in others that reflect love and light exponentially, more than you’d ever think. Memories link us, so be conscience of the links you form in this world and keep forging them. You never know when a few words will impact someone’s life so much that they remember it forever. If you have these awesome memories, remind the people that gave them to you. Knowing that you remembered will mean so much to them. (even if they have to work through some crazy, like I did.)

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Alright, run along now you shiny little memory makers. Class dismissed, I’m done being all sappy for the moment. Have a good one.