I back from my trip but not present. The friend that I spent sharing a cabin with at camp lost her daughter the day after returning home. She was six years old.
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I’m not feeling very motivational or inspirational so I don’t think that there is going to be a new post for a little while yet. I’m sure you understand, and I will be back as soon as I can put my heart into it again.
Hello everyone! I’m checking in from writing camp and having a fabulous time! Everyone here is great and I’m getting a lot out of work shopping. All of the other members in my group, though, are established writers/teachers that have been writing for longer than I’ve been alive! It’s super intimidating at first, but it’s so welcoming and I’ve been able to hold my own with them so it has been a very enriching experience so far.
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Anyway, enough of my babbling. 
One of my friends here has also been working toward a healthier lifestyle. We’ve been talking a lot about body image and how sad it is that younger men and women strive for certain looks despite what their body shape and proportions are. This leads me to the main theme of this post.
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Accept your body, accept that you can’t look exactly like someone else and love your body. No matter how much weight I lose, the hundred plus that I need to lose, I will not be a small woman. I have my grandma’s German, thick bone structure. I have hips and larger breasts and the surgeries haven’t been made to morph me into a skinny-minny lithe little girl. I’ve accepted this, and it has made the road to getting healthier and loving myself much easier.
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It goes the same for people that are built smaller. It’s rude and disrespectful to assume things about someone because of their weight. I knew someone that sniped about every really skinny person she saw claiming that they must be anorexic. I’ve heard people claim that all fat people are lazy slobs. You can’t know these things, so stop assuming. I’m still very much a fat chick, but I’m working hard. That girl you might think is too skinny could just be taking care of herself or could have just inherited what people like to throw around as “better genes” or a “faster metabolism.” It doesn’t necessarily mean that she throws up her meals and starves herself.
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So ignore what everyone else looks like! Don’t compare yourself to another person because it’s not fair to you or anyone else. Get in touch with your body, feel out what’s right for you and then rock it! I don’t care what kind of figure you have; you can use it to your advantage and present yourself with confidence. Love those wide hips, curvy butt, strong thighs, large chest, small chest. Whatever you have, accept it because you deserve it. You are worth anything in this world and loving yourself is one of your rights as a person and something that will improve the quality of your life. You work harder for things and people that you love, so if you love yourself, you’ll work harder to achieve the healthy lifestyle that we strive for.
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Compassion for other people, compassion for yourself, too. You’re worth it. 
Bye for now!
Hi everyone! I’m leaving for writing camp tomorrow and I’ll be gone until the 27th. I would love to update if it’s possible, but the internet there is wireless and it’s sketchy because of the camp’s setup.
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I was going to leave you with a lovely, long post… but with my internet acting sketchy, the draft didn’t get saved and it was lost. 
I haven’t had the time to re-create it to my liking. Hohum! Sorry about that, I should know better than to trust an autosave feature.
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I love all of y’all, have a happy and healthy week. Remember that you are worth anything in this world! Remind yourselves how wonderful you all are. Do it! **huggles**
Okay, first thing is first. You need to start saying no! If your one of those people that find yourselves always going beyond your means emotionally, physically and monetarily, you need to say no! It’s well within your right to say no, it’s vital to your sanity. If you put everyone else before yourself, you’re going to get taken advantage of because that’s what you’re setting yourself up for and are saying it’s okay to do with every time you say yes when you really mean “OMG how am I supposed to handle this?!?! I can’t really do this!! AHHHH!!!”
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Back when I was in high school and a total mess, a friend asked me to help her decorate for her other friend’s birthday. I told myself that being jealous over it was selfish. So she had totally blown off my birthday, and the one before that. No big deal, they had been friends longer. So I colored posters and hung streamers and blew up balloons. The thing is, her friend was actually my former best friend that I had a falling out with! So I was decorating for a girl that had lied behind my back and nearly ruined another friendship on her way out of my life. Soooo I smiled and set out cookies and sang happy birthday all the while wanting to cry and scream and rip out my hair. My friend had asked me a favor, and I “couldn’t” say no.
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Sounds kind of rediculous now that I look back on that. All the times I put someone else first even when it hurt me or wasn’t right. I’m guessing that you’ve done it, too. You’ve sat there and gotten your heart torn out because you didn’t feel like you were strong enough to say no. Maybe you felt obligated or like saying no wasn’t the right thing to do, that saying no was saying “I don’t care” or “I don’t love you”. Maybe you didn’t have the self worth to believe that it was your place to say no. When have you been like me back when I was that sad girl that did anything for others and gave of myself to a fault?
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You can continually give of yourself, but you can’t let yourself be sucked dry. When your friend asks for that millionth needless favor, say NO. When someone doesn’t consider your feelings and expects you to do for them, say NO. When that person you know that never pays you back asks for some cash one more time, say NO. When someone you know asks to vent and vent and vent and not listen to any of your problems or accomplishments, say NO!
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It’s okay. It takes some getting used to, I know, but you deserve to save some of your energy for yourself! You deserve save some of your energy and time and money to keep your batteries charged, your head clear and your heart happy. Doing for others is a fabulous gift, but when it gets to the point that the people around you are just walking all over you, it’s time to start standing your ground, wiping off the footprints and saying NO. You can’t put all of your effort into other people’s lives and happiness 100% of the time. You’d be too stressed out, too depressed and thinking too little of yourself. You’re worth anything in this world, you know, and definitely worth learning how to say no.
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Say it with me, “no”. LOUDER! “NO”. With more force now, “NO!” You need to put yourself first from time to time. If you don’t you’ll be drained and broken and the people around you won’t help because you were the person that held everything together for other people and never asked for a favor for yourself. When you become the “yes man” or the “yes woman” you are making yourself and your needs invisible. You condition the people around you to expect yes to anything, no matter what it takes from you. You show them that you’ll bend over backwards at a moment’s notice without a complaint. You teach people to take you for granted.
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Stop the cycle, say no. Remind the people around you that you are more than their means to gain something whether it be emotional or otherwise. If you feel like doing one more thing is going to make you snap when someone comes around and asks for that teeny tiny little favor, say no. You cannot possibly do everything, stop trying! Do what you can, that’s the best that you can do. If you’re in a position to do more without sacrificing your sense of self or sanity, then that is fantastic! Different circumstances lend other people to be able to do more, others to do less. That is nothing to feel bad about yourself for. We’re all in a different position as to what we can give of ourselves. Do what you can, say yes when you really mean it and can put forth the effort to accomplish it. Don’t say yes when your dying inside and need to run away screaming. Say no!
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Reasons to learn to say NO:
So that when you ask yourself if you’re happy, you can say yes.
So that when you ask yourself if you have a healthy sense of self worth, you can say yes.
So that when you ask yourself if you’ve left enough of yourself to take care of you, your family, the people you love… you can say yes.
So that you can find balance and peace within yourself.
So that you can achieve what you want for yourself.
So you can show people that take advantage of your kindness that you are no longer putting yourself out, that you’re strong and can defend yourself.
So that you can say yes when you can, feel good about it and be able to keep going.
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You are worth anything in this world. You are definitely worth a one-syllable, two-letter tiny little word that I know will have an impact on your life. I gave of myself and gave and gave. I never said no, I didn’t feel like I could be a good person and say no. I became less and less to the people around me because I was becoming less and less to myself. I gave away every last piece of myself until I didn’t remember who I was or what I wanted. I became a doormat. I lived for other people until I was empty, lonely, sad and confused. I didn’t make any friends or lasting connections from just saying yes, yes, yes. It became all that I was around for, it became my identity. I was too depressed to be there for the people that really loved me and I was too depressed to be who I needed for myself. It was overwhelming and I felt like I was swirling into the abyss.
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Learn how to say no. Learn how to ask for help for yourself. Learn how to judge a situation and decide what would be the best action. Remind yourself that you are worth saving some of yourself for you. Realize the difference between people that honestly need help, and people that just want to use you for whatever they can. You are worth anything in this world and you deserve no less than another person. It may not seem important or that it will have too much of an impact, but it is and it does. When you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel and get one of those requests that have such great timing, realize that you just can’t or shouldn’t say yes, can’t give the last bit of yourself and say no. Use that reserved energy to re-fuel yourself, do something that you know will be rewarding or give you rest in such a busy world. See how big of an effect that has on you. It’s homework! Yes, I can give you homework. 
Heck, tell me no! Say “Glo, I’m not going to do your homework.” Haha, i’m a sneaky bugger, aren’t I? Start small, but start saying no.
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Remember, you are worth anything in this world. Would you advise someone you love to run themselves ragged to please everyone else? Then why do you deserve any less? You don’t, you really don’t.
Being freshly graduated from college in May, I’m still living with my parents (who are beyond wonderful and that I love dearly) so I am dreaming of a grown-up job and an apartment of my own. Maybe even one that has a dishwasher! I’ve never had a dishwasher in a house that I’ve lived in. To me, a tiny apartment seems like such a beautiful and liberating thing. I’m really excited for the future, wherever it will be since I’m willing to relocate to just about anywhere to find a job in this economy. This excitement and anticipation evolved into a physical manifestation, the hope tote.
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You may have heard of a hope chest. A family fills it with linens and dishes and what-not for the daughter for when she marries and runs off. It’s usually some hand crafted wooden chest. I have a Rubbermaid ® 50-gallon tote. It’s my hope tote, and I place in it things that I’ll need or want in the future, things to make the apartment in my dreams a home. Making one for myself, I realize why it’s called a hope chest in the first place. All my hopes and dreams for the future are reflected upon and wished for every time I put something inside it. Every little item is a promise of making something for myself. I love my hope tote and what it represents. Let me show you the inside so far…
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This is my hope tote, so far.
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I have clearance Halloween and Christmas decorations that I got super cheap at generic-mart, dishtowels, pot holders, pink santoku knife, measuring cups and spoons, chia pet I got for Christmas from a lovely woman that I know, place mats, fabric napkins, rechargeable fake candles, a ceramic mug with a lid that I can bake/cook in (I think it’s Pyrex). There are all sorts of things that I’ve bought myself or received from loved ones. I have a set of green dishes that my mom is passing down to me (that my bro’s crazy ex-girlfriend almost took and really, I cried). I have a table that my aunt gave us, beautiful wood in a light color with a few leaves, just in case. I’m taking my favorite spatula and one of the wooden spoons that are older than me or my brother. My parents don’t know that part yet, but I’ll sneak them in my tote and they won’t notice until it’s too late. They won’t mind, really, even though my dad likes the same spatula. He’ll be similarly enamored at the chance to get a fancy new spatula. I’m also taking the fondue pot that we never use, I should tell them about that, too. I’m hoping to hit up some garage/yard sales for more useful things this summer while I’m still hanging out at generic-mart and building my savings.
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Having a place to store all the hopes and dreams that I have for my future is really comforting and inspiring. It makes me really happy to think about how far I’ve come and how exciting that this next step will be. Even though my future is unsure right now, my hope tote ensures security in that I’ll be able to care for myself, I’ll be able to decorate and I’ll have comforting things in a strange, new place. It’s a reminder that I’m loved whenever someone else adds to my hope tote. They’re putting their belief in my future and a wish for a happy life. It’s just a purple plastic box, but it’s a beautiful thing.
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I love thinking of the future, the possibilities, the apartment and the ugly couch that I’ll pick up at some local resale shop. I love thinking about grocery shopping for tofu and baby spinach and ginger and garlic and chayote squash without worrying if anyone at home will eat the meal that I’m making. I won’t have to worry about coming home to a pie or chips or candy and losing track. I’ll have the chance to decorate any room any way that I want and can hang crystals in the windows to throw tiny rainbows all over the room at the right time of day. Heck, I’ll have the chance to exercise naked in the living room if I want to! I’ll also always be able to call home, ask for advice, and hang up cards that my mom sends me. I see this at furthering the balance in my life. As my life changes and goes into new chapters, the balance shifts. It’s normal, it’s healthy, it can be scary and exciting.
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I fully encourage the hope tote for you or a loved one. Even if you aren’t moving, collect things until you can complete a project, redecorate a room… whatever! Or, instead of things, get a small box and write down your hopes and dreams. Collect small items like lucky pennies, a feather you found drifting along, a broken scrap from a piece of jewelry that you love, pretty things, unusual things, things that you love. Sometimes we need a physical manifestation of our hopes, dreams, wishes and happiness to remind us. It’s not a bad thing, it’s beautiful. Putting something in my hope tote make me happy, and I’m able to do it often, actually. Between clearance and gifts and hand-me-downs, there’s nothing in there or that I’ve mentioned that’s cost over $5.00. Since I have time to save things, I have time to watch and wait for things to go into deep discounts.
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Hope is beautiful, hope is healthy, and I wish you hope for your future, your family, your love in whatever form that it takes in your life.
Exercise is important, not only for your physical well being but also emotionally. I know, I know… you’ve heard it. So had I, but I didn’t listen. I thought that at my weight, that I would be able to work out enough to make any kind of a difference in myself, that it wasn’t worth the trouble. I have asthma and at my highest weight, I was over 400 lbs. Yep, around Four Hundred and Twenty Five POUNDS. I just slipped into denial and deeper depression and let it keep crawling up consistently. I was never a skinny-mini, not even as a kid. Always the rolley-polley girl with blond pigtails. It was cute until it overtook my life. Then at 21 years old, my doc wrote the number 425 on my chart under the weight column, I wanted to cry. I felt like such a failure, such a joke from the universe, so worthless.
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With support from a new doctor that thought I could make a difference in myself and not just adamant on throwing surgery in my face, a doctor that didn’t laugh about my OCD with the nurses on staff, a doctor that cared about me surviving past 30, I found the support that I needed to reach the place inside that I needed to start losing weight and bettering myself physically. I haven’t lost a lot of weight, I fell off the wagon, as they say, from time to time, and once for months. I keep getting back up, though. I keep reminding myself how good it feels to improve and I’m telling you, it’s one of the best feelings in the world. I have more muscle, less inches, more stamina, more willpower, less depression, more energy and less excuses. My new doctor lead me to the website where I now moderate and have taken on some strange camp counselor attitude. www.livestrong.com. I hang out on the forums, use the feature The Daily Plate to track my calorie intake and exercise, and I support others on their journeys.
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Okay, plug for one of my favorite websites done with… hahha. I started my exercising experience with 8 minute workouts. No joke, I watched the timer on my DVR count down as I did Tae*Bo and Yoga DVD’s. I made it from 8 minutes to 12, then up to 15. After that I bumped it up to half an hour without dying and gasping for air. Thanks to some encouragement and help with a little workout routine (kind of similar to a circuit workout, I guess) I’m now exercising for an hour or more. I do 20 minutes of light weight lifting, 20 minutes of calisthenics and then 20-40 minutes of cardio. If I’m not in a mood to work out, I break it up and do 10 minute intervals and switch it up more frequently. I drink LOTS of water and have a protein shake after my workout. You really do get used to the taste, I swear. The one upside to being of a higher weight and working out, I burn more calories because I’m moving more weight around. LOL. Sometimes I look at the exercise that I’ve logged and see the ridiculous amount of calories that I’ve burned. Even for over estimating considered, it’s a lot. Makes me feel good. Almost as good as when I have to throw away/donate a pair of pants that are too big anymore or when I can wear a blouse that hasn’t fit for a while. That feels awesome!
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So, do you have 8 minutes in you? I’ll take 5 if you don’t. How about 2? I’ll tell you what helped me out, a balance ball. Yep, since people lift weights on them now, they make them to support a lot of weight so even I can bounce around on one. Plus, at my weight, my knees and ankles were something to worry about when exercising. With the balance ball, I get support and am still able to do a wide range of exercises and keep my heart rate up. It really is fabulous and comforting to know that I’m not going to snap an ankle since, as you can imagine, I’ve had ankle problems my whole life.
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I just got done with my routine and my body is buzzing with the effort and energy. I like feeling like this. Instead of taking a nap, I feel like I can get things done today! So give that few minutes a try. Do it for yourself because if you haven’t heard, you are worth anything in this world! You are definitely worth developing the determination and stamina to make yourself better, to create the kind of life that you want for yourself. Take the chance to help your mind, your heart, your body… it gets easier! It really does get easier, and you’ll start enjoying, if not the exercise, the feeling you get from it. I crawled my way up from 8 minutes that had me breathing hard and dizzy and wanting to throw up. I pushed my 425 pound self harder and further until I felt like I wouldn’t be able to move my arms and legs, but the next few workouts, I could push myself further. I saw progress because I kept at it and I did what I could to stay moving. I made myself stronger, I did something that no one could do for me.
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You’re worth the effort, you’re worth the life you can have as a healthier person no matter how overweight you are. Give it a few minutes every other day and see if I’m not right. Just remember that a glass of water seems a lot heavier after a good workout. I’m going to go cut up some zucchini and summer squash rounds and dip them in balsamic dressing. YUM. You keep thinking about that few minutes. It doesn’t matter how far or long you make it the first time you try to get back on the exercise wagon, it’s that you try again and keep trying.
Whenever I sit down with someone for a lecture, or a group of people on a forum, there is at least one person that does not believe (not in what I say) that it doesn’t apply to them. They can’t believe that something will work for them, that they’re worth it, that there can be happiness. There’s always someone with more doubt trying to choke out their hope.
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Belief sometimes takes practice. When you’re young, it comes so easily. It’s easy to believe in your parents, to believe in the things that you learn in school, to believe in yourself and that you can go to the moon and battle dinosaurs and talk to fairies. Unfortunately, we lose the ability to believe easily. We gaurd ourselves after hurts and bad experiences and people that tell us that we’re not worth believing in. To guard myself, I thought that I had to believe that I was a mistake, that I didn’t belong on earth and that my sould must have been misplaced. I thought that it would hurt less if I believed that the hurt was deserved, instead, I just set myself up for more pain and a hard time crawling out of it.
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We remember more easily the experiences where we failed, where things didn’t work out, when our hearts were broken, when we were turned down for the job, a date, and opportunity. The notion that we are not good enough resonates in our minds and hearts too easily. People that need to break you down to feel worth themselves teach you how to break yourself down. Instead of belief that you’re doing your best, you deserve a good life, you learn to question the good things in life and absorb the bad. Some of us delve into these feeling completely, warping our perception of self. *raises hand* It’s not fun, is it? It gets so deep that you don’t really remember feeling anything else. Most people, though, feed into these feelings to varying degrees. Even if there’s a hint of this in your heart and soul, there’s a darkness lurking that you don’t deserve. Confidence with compassion and belief with pride is what you deserve, it’s what I deserve. It’s what we’re born with and grow up with (hopefully) and we’re taught to ignore it.
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For the past two years, I’ve been working on re-claiming my ability to believe in myself, my pupose, my future, my desires, my goals. Instead of believing in others to a fault, I’ve put myself up higher on my priority list to temper the demands of those that use and take advantage of me. Instead of stretching myself thin to meet the demands of people that really didn’t care about my well being, I help who I can, spread as much love as I can and I protect myself from the people that would have me drained and depressed. I’ve realized that I can only help who let me, those with the desire to save themselves.
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My parents used to give money to some relatives whenever they asked. They used their children as leverage and even though they were distant, they were family. Shoes, food, clothes, school supplies… they used all the excuses in the book to get a few dollars. When their kids came around dirty, in the same too small shoes they were in last time, and hungry my parents realized that they were not helping the children, and the parents were taking advantage of their kindess. The next time they called asking for money, my parents took over bags of groceries and household supplies. They filled the cupboards and the kids were thrilled that they could have spaghetti-o’s. They never called asking for money again.
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People take physically, emotionally, money, time. They damage your ability to not only believe in other people, but in yourself for doing the right thing, giving of yourself, and loving youself. They teach you not to trust. You begin learning to question yourself. Am I beatiful enough? Am I talented enough? Do I have enough money? Do I have a better life than someone else? What am I worth?
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You are worth anything in this world. Comparing yourself to other people will do you no good. You are your own amazing self, with your own abilities and talents. Buying into the belief that you are anything less than another is damaging and you deserve better.
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If it’s hard to believe, practice. You once believed without abandon and you learned to cut that back to a healthy, adult system of weeding out the things that were a little too extravigant. The things that were more left to the dreams of kids. The thing is, it progressed further and further until we stopped believing in core pieces of ourselves. I stopped believing that I had a place in this world.
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When the belief is gone, you stop reaching, growing, learning and bettering yourself. You are present, but not involved. It suffocates your light. So when I tell you that you are worth anything in this world and you can’t find it in yourself to believe it, I’ll tell you again. You Are Worth ANYTHING in This World. It took time and time again to shake your belief, it’s going to take time and repetition to rebuild it. You are worth anything in this world. It’s true, and if you can’t believe me just yet, don’t worry. I’m not going to stop trying. Do you know why? Because I love you and you are worth my efforts. Because I love myself and want to share it so that my light continues to grow. I believe in my purpose to help others and share my darkness, and share the road that I forged for myself out of it. I believe in your ability to be happy and to be able to love yourself. I know that this belief is not misplaced, I can feel that in my heart that is alive and well and recovering from being broken by others, but mostly by myself.
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Bringing yourself down does not make it hurt less when you fall, it strikes deeper and with more resolve since you didn’t let yourself try, have hope, love the journey. The people and curcumstances that taught you this were not the authority to vest your beliefs in. Repetition, however, beats into your head in a rythem that washes over your mind set. You’ve been brainwashed, just like everyone else. I hate that society makes it seem wrong to feel good about yourself and take pride. I don’t care about your race, religion, sex… it doesn’t matter, you’re a wonderful, beautiful person whos potential is great gift to yourself and this world. You deserve to feel good about yourself, believe in yourself. You are worth anything in this world, if you didn’t hear it the times I’ve said before. You are worth anything in this world. You are worthy of happines, pride, belief, love, hope, strength. I think that once you search your soul, you’ll find that these things are there waiting for you to remember them and nurture them.
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I took on the nickname Gloworm because of a funny lightstick accident. It was a joke. I’m now known as Glo to many of my friends because they tell me I have light that I willingly an lovingly share. I can’t feel more blessed for this, for my friends that help to nurture my light and share my words with people in their lives. It’s something that’s shown through black clothes and black lipstick and dark moods and depression. Some small part of me always shone through. You still shine through, even though you don’t always recognize yourself. I’ve met people in dark places that still have a spark of themselves, of the desire to live happy, they want to believe that they can have it. Drugs, abuse, neglect, pain in all forms. I’ve seen people come back from these, and had the privelidge of playing some small part in their journey. I’ve learned to not be ashamed of my scars. They’re part of me, my path and serve to show those that need it what I went through. If that helps someone believe what I say, and helps me reach them, then I’m happy to bear the part of myself that I hid for so long.
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Today, I am Glo. I never would have thought that I would be this person, that I would have anything worth sharing. Today I truely believe that I am worth anything in this world, and I deserve to work towards my goals. I love freely, knowing that it won’t always be returned but realizing that it doesn’t have to be. I don’t run out of love, hope, belief or the desire to impart these gifts on the people around me. I’m happy. I can appreciate all the aspects of my life, even the dark ones. I have balance and understanding. You are worth learning to believe again, and opening yourself to these things. I am not weak for my love and belief, it makes me strong. It makes me strong enough to bring new things into my life and to know when things aren’t for the well being of me, my emotions and my life. I realize the things and people that try to bring me down, and I remove myself from them. It hurts sometimes, it can be difficult, but I’m better for it.
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You are worth anything in this world. You are loved, you are love. I believe in you. I really, sincerely believe in you. I believe that the little want in you that kept you reading through this will harbor and feed your light until you can once again believe in your goodness and potential. I believe this gift lives in you somewhere. You are worth anything in this world, you really are. The part of you that’s been keeping you from believing this of yourself is not permanant. It was a defense against the dark things in this world and you can re-train your mind. It takes time. Two years in, I’m still learning, growing, glowing. I wouldn’t have it any other way, though.
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You are worth anything in this world. If it wasn’t something I could believe of myself, I wouldn’t ask you to. If it can’t sink in today, I’ll just tell you again tomorrow.
It’s a dreary day in Michigan, at least, my little slice of it. It got to storming pretty nicely and I enjoyed the thunder and lighting before it quickly passed on. I think rainy days are kind of cleansing and good for quiet contemplation. Or running around dancing in it, but too cold yet for that. The sky opens up and rains life, got to appreciate that. Comfy sweater and a cup of Earl Gray or chamomile or whatever and ta-da, perfect rainy day mood.
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I’ve been busying myself with inside things. My brother sent me home with some bottle caps last night so I could work out a project that I sketched ideas and plans for today. I’ve never done anything like it, but I do like learning new things and challenges. I think it will turn out and I have a steady supply of practice bottle caps. Thanks Bro! I dug out my paint brushes from under the cabinet and conditioned them, set up my canvas and can’t wait to get the paints out, but not today. I am finishing a duct tape purse for an order. It’s turning out really well! I’m excited to finish it and get it to my customer. Then two more purses and my orders will be filled! Hooray! I love collaging all the pictures and magazine scraps between clear duct tape to make the “fabric” of it. I hope to post a picture when I’m done.
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Well, I’m thinking about making a warm treat for such a gloomy day. I like to cut up a pear and an apple, sprinkly on a touch of lemon juice and some cinnamon. I just put a tiny bit of oil on the pan so nothing sticks. I whack it in the toaster oven at 350 degrees F until everything is tender and the juices from the fruit are caramalizing. Do you know what really seals the deal, though? Get ready, it’s going to blow your mind. A sprinkling of sharp cheddar cheese. MMmmMmMmmmm. It gets all melty and yummy. It’s perfect comfort food. It sounds funny, but give it a go. Sweet and just a little bit of salt with a bite to it. My dad love love loooovveess it.
Today at work (generic-mart lets call it) I got to take buckets of water to wash away the bugs that were clinging to the windows in the front, the walk and the fixtures. They would not be swept away and when I tried to flush them out, they just flew right back at me to get a drink that I so kindly left for them. My whole shift was a battle in futility but it helps motivate me to find a “real” job out in the big, wide world.
Okay, so that was no big deal. I can handle the creepy-crawlies and the few horrible customers, even my boss that is a few words… none of them nice. I can’t, however, comfortably use the phone. I’ve gotten over so many things in my live, but the phone continues to daunt me! I accidentally dialed a number and was so horrified when it rang instead of sending a text, that I froze before snapping my phone shut. I decided that I was tired of it, called him again. Spoke to him for a few seconds, and kindly let him know that I was hanging up. I felt pathetic, but I was so anxious and nervous and just plain scared! I twist myself into knots inside, my heartrate goes up and I just can’t wait to hang up. Another friend called me, she knew about my phobia, and I had promised that I would answer. We talked for a little while, but I was still panicking and jittery. I feel like I need one of those little plastic kid’s phones. Haha, I’d just sit in the corner and practice dialing and making phone calls for therapy! It’s my new project. Answering my phone, making phone calls. I can do this!
Well, it’s raining and if it gets any harder, my satelite internet will cut out. I’ll be back. It’s just funny… I can bare my soul on the internet, but chatting about the weather on my phone makes me want to cry.
Today was a particular slice of awesome. I made an omelet for me and my mom with the following yummer-ific ingredients!
1 large portobello mushroom cap diced, 1 small zucchini diced, 1/4 large white onion diced. I sauteed all of this with some salt, pepper and a little oil. I beat 2 eggs, 3 egg whites, 2 tbsp milk and a dab of horseradish and poured it over the veggies when the zucchini was still crunchy and the onions were translucent. When it was firm enough, I flipped it and topped it with some swiss cheese to melt while the other side cooked. I slid it onto two plates and it was enjoyed by all! My dad is a year out of gastric bypass surgery, so he picked a little off of my mom’s plate. The horseradish wasn’t enough to make it hot, just enhanced the flavor of the veggies. Now that I’m trying to get a healthy hold on my life, I try to pack lots of veggies into everything!
I also got “all dolled up” and went out to take a ride and run some errands. It felt good to wear makeup and feel the wind blowing through all four open windows and the sunroof. I had the music loud (but not too loud) and hung my arm out the window to feel the air moving past my fingers at 65 mph in the sun. I sung along, loudly… and probably pretty badly. I don’t mind, I like singing. It makes me feel good.
I love my outfit. A magenta blouse with a loose, draping neckline, black slacks, my comfy Vans that probably should head for the trash, chunky pink jewelry and a bracelet that my aunt made me full of hearts because she loves me. I love to wear it and think of her, we don’t get to see each other often. My hair got that natural, tousled look from the open windows. My waves looked a little messy, but nice. I felt good about myself today, I think I looked good. That’s a lot for me.
Ah, and poetry boy. We were in the same writing classes and I saw him at the store whil I was picking up hamburger buns for my dad since he was going to grill. He waved me over, remembering me. He said he had thought of me the other day and I must have given him a look because he hurridly assured me that it was a good thought. It’s nice, a conversation in a store with someone that had liked me and wanted to talk to me again. When I moved from my hometown, I got used to being easily forgotten. Some people didn’t care, I pushed away the rest. I was so glad that I had dressed up, so glad I was in the right place at the right time.
I also bought a ChocoTaco! I used to get them off the ice cream truck. I ate it in the car as it melted and it was divine. It tasted just like they did when I was a kid, and eating one in MY car while I was driving, my college graduation tassle swinging from the rear view mirror… felt really right. Like it was the completion of a circuit. I made it past the crap and to the point where I could enjoy a treat on a nice day. I didn’t buy five and hide the wrappers in my glove box, I bought one and dripped vanilla down my chin, laughing.
Before I went home with my hamburger buns and jar of olives, I was naughty and stopped at my favorite local art store. I ended up spending a little of my graduation money. Canvases were on clearance and the oil paints smelled so good. I only took one painting class, but I miss it. A friend of mine took a stunning picture of the inside of a flower that I’m going to paint. I peeled the plastic off of my canvas, a small 18″ by 24″, and ran my hands over the material. It feels good and I can’t wait to devour the blank white with green and violet and crimson. It’s stretched and has the framework in the back and smells strongly of pine. My tube of dioxazine purple smells sooo good. It’ll have to wait until I get a few days off, get all my supplies pulled out from hiding and sketch the canvas.
If you want to get into oil painting, one of the best and most frustrating things we were taught was to throw out the black tube of paints from our kits IMMEDIATELY. We were not to use black under any circumstances. I thought it was a pain to mix really dark shades on my own, but after painting a bridge at night… I realized the depth that the colors, though nearly black, pulled out. He was right, plain black is too flat. I had a fantastic art instructor. I think that I’ll email him and tell him that.
Well, the burgers turned into pizza with my family, including bro and sis-in-law and their beautiful baby girl. It’s only six people, but it makes a full house and was really nice.
Today definitely gets chalked up with the good ones. A blessing, really. After yesterday, I was emotionally frazzled and thought I was slipping into a funk. That I was able to have this fantastic day surprises me. Just when I think that I’ve healed as much as I can, I take a step further. Tommorrow I have to be at my job, but I work with some great people and few not so great people. I’m going to see if I can keep my happy streak going. Keep yours going, or try to start one. They’re totally worth it.
Shhh, did you hear something?