You put the lime in the… avocado!

My dad never liked guacamole… until I started making it for him! Although, his previous experiences were quite sad since I don’t know why anyone would put mayonnaise in guacamole! I mean, what?!? Nooooo, bad bad bad. Yesterday he brought home a bunch of avocados so that I could make us some guac today and I’m excited since I could eat avocados every day!

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For guacamole I use 3-4 avocados depending on size and frankly, my mood, haha! I usually leave most of them chunky and mash one so it’s got beautiful pieces of avocado, but is still creamy and the ingredients meld. I toss in a chopped medium tomato, half a large onion, 1-2 chopped garlic cloves depending on size, juice from half a lime and some grating lime peel since I LOVE me some lime! I have been known to use half of one to make guac and just eat the other half. Pucker-licious! As for seasoning, I use this stuff I got in the canning section of the grocery store that keeps fruit/veggies looking fresh. I like to make guac a little in advance so all the flavors get a chance to sit and get yummy, and it keeps my beautiful creation from becoming a bowl of brown uck. Then I toss in a wee bit of salt, cumin and Mexican oregano. In a pinch, I’ve used the guacamole mixes from the store and it’s pretty good. When I do that, though, I can’t use the whole packet since my mom loves guac but doesn’t like a lot of heat. You can make guac really pretty if you use red onions and red and yellow tomatoes! So pretty, like confetti. Things you can add include hot peppers of your choice, any herbs and spices you like (a touch of smoky paprika is yummers) and I’ve even made guac with crab in it for a special occasion. The crab and avocado went really well together.

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The avocados that are not fated to be guacamole? Well, there are lots of things to do with them! Chunk ‘em up for an omelet (had to see that coming, ha!), slice them up for a salad, slice them up and put them on a sandwich, spread it on a sandwich instead of your usual mayo/miracle whip/whatever, use them in a homemade facial treatment (it’s natural healthy fats and things are great for skin!), make ice cream (smooth, silky texture is definitely a go!), or just split it open and eat it with a spoon. Can you tell I love avocados? YUP!

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If your not an avocado fan… *looks around suspiciously* have you ever… *whispers secretively* made your own…..

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SALSA?!?!!? Oh.My.Goodness. Fresh salsa is the best ever. It is so worth the trouble, and really, it’s hardly any trouble at all! You can even do it in a blender, just add your firmer fruits/veggies first leading into the softer things, like the tomato. Salsa ingredients include but are not limited to, tomatoes, onions, garlic, any pepper under the sun, mango, papaya, pineapple, tomatillos, cumin, black pepper, chili powder, oregano, cilantro, lemon juice, lime juice, cucumbers, hot sauce, MONKEYS! Wait, maybe not monkeys, but the point is, if you like it, you can put it into a salsa. Tomatoes and fruit (well, a tomato is a fruit anyway) really go together. My mom loves pineapple in her salsa. I love how cucumber adds a cool crispness. Salsa can be whatever you want it to be when you’re not limited to a jar selection. Oh yeah, and it’s FRESH and DELICIOUS and once you make fresh salsa, there’s no going back. Oh, I forgot about corn and black bean salsa! My dad’s a fan of that kind.

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I love making things fresh, so if you love these common treats the way they’re prepared at the store or restaurant, think of how amazing it could be when you’re in control! You want it spicier? Go for it! Like lots of garlic? Go crazy! Hate cilantro? Stop suffering through it and chuck it in the bin! Be free, people, FREE! I would love to try making my own tortilla chips, so I think that’s next on my list.

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Alright, I slept in a bit late today and blogged before I had a chance to have a complete breakfast. I’ve been snacking on a banana at the computer, so that kept me happy for a while, but all this talk of fresh food is making my tummy talk to me. LOL

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Thanks for sticking with me through my gloomy moment. Still working on it, but I’m feeling much better. I think being able to sleep in my bed again has helped with the positive influence on my mood! I’m not immobilized on the couch worrying about my bandages slipping around at night. Now I’ve got my fingers crossed that we have yummy omelet additives! I haven’t had one for a few days and it sounds really, really good right now.

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I hope everyone has a wonderful day! If you’re going shopping, pick up ingredients to make something fresh. FRESH! Check out the produce, what’s pretty? Can you see salsa? Or maybe there’s a yummy, comforting pot of soup lurking around. Salad? Fruit salad? See stuff for home made smoothies people have been raving about but haven’t tried yet? If you’re scared, don’t forget that the internet is, in one of its many facets, a giant cookbook! You can find a recipe for anything, and if you can’t, there is a library of cookbooks at my house and I’ll find it for ya.

Bleargh!

It’s been a crazy few days. Maybe not crazy, but depressing. Maybe crazy depressing. I’ve been up and down since Thursday when my leg was unwrapped from it’s medicated bandages and ACE wraps. I thought the day that I was healed and free would be, more or less, the last of the major problems with my leg. I would reenter my life in a grand fashion and hit the ground running. Instead, after a few hours of wandering around on my freed leg I found out how super sensitive my new skin was and how tender the scar tissue would be. Some edema started creeping back slowly and it hurt.

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Okay, that’s fine… it dented my happy but I would get support hose the next day to finish taking care of the edema! Then I would go on a road trip with my family and the support hose would make it bearable. Well, no actually. My edema riddled monster leg was lumpy and bumpy so the compression hose would have to be custom ordered. Every inch of my leg from my foot up my thigh had to be measured. Embarrassing as hell. Even worse, no support hose meant no road trip with the family since my leg needs the extra support right now. I didn’t even have ace wraps to help me. I sat in the parking lot of the medical supply store and cried after I called and told my mom that I couldn’t go. I didn’t get to go on our last outing, either. The road trip yesterday was to the butterfly gardens and even after finding out that that particular garden was extremely humid and would have been hell on my asthma anyway, it didn’t make me feel much better.

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So I’ve been in pain and depressed and moping. I haven’t been tracking and either eating too much crap or not much of anything. I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn’t the most productive way to deal with my feelings, but I wasn’t listening. At a point, I think I was punishing myself with food. I wasn’t enjoying myself, I didn’t feel good about what I was putting in my body. When I get depressed, it’s like I try my best to make it worse with every chance possible. I am able to realize these things today, but I spent a couple of days in a dark place. At one point in my life, those couple have days would have been a few weeks but I still feel kind of ashamed for slipping up and falling like I did. That’s why I’m going to own it right now so that I can get over it and spend more time getting back on track than sliding off the rails.

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I’ve just gone through such extreme swings in emotions during such a short period of time, it’s really thrown me for a loop. Today seems better even though it’s another gloomy day. I have my leg in ACE wraps to keep the edema away while I wait for those super cool, fashion forward compression hose. I work today and I’m grateful to be forced out of the house for a while even though it’s to work retail. I do enjoy the majority of my customers and most of the people that I work with, so it should help me out of the gloomies even more.

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I haven’t cooked anything, really, but I found out that frozen grapes are awesome! That’s really all for now. Hopefully I’ll be feeling better and inclined to post something a bit more exciting soon.

What doesn’t kill you, right?

Today for breakfast…. there were no eggs. Bummer! I was really temped to just graze on crap until I thought of something good to have, but I resisted. I had a not bad but not so fab breakfast of Kashi Heart to Heart cereal. Instead of straight milk, I used a serving container of strawberry yogurt and half a serving of 2% milk. It was a slow morning, anyway.  Not as filling as a fabulous omelet, but it kept my tummy happy.

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I am a snacky-snackerton. I love snacks. These snacks, those snacks, my snacks, your snacks… snacks in a box with a fox. One of my favorite snacks to have when I’m craving some salty, crunchy potato chip empty calories is a serving or two of roasted beans. I’ve roasted all kinds of beans.

Chickpeas: can be tender with skin that has a bite to it or my fave, super crunchy!

White beans: The skins spit open and they look like beans with wings, LOL. The open skin gets lite and very crunchy while the inside is a little dry, but has a buttery texture. These are more fragile than chickpeas!

Edamame: These are probably more effort than the others, but they’re super delish. You boil them or cheat and microwave steam them before roasting, and after roasting they are similar to a chickpea but lighter and have that little bit of a green taste that edamame is known for.

I haven’t worked roasting beans down to a specific science where they come out perfect every time, but I just stick them in the oven at 345 degrees F and just check on them and shake ‘em around every ten minutes or so until the desired level of crunch has been achieved. A little olive oil, some of your favorite seasonings (added near the end, when the beans start to brown a little and split) and you have a delicious snack with fiber and protein! Today, my snack was the edamame left over from the other day roasted up until nice and crunchy. YUM!

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Today, my friends, I exercised. I pulled out the balance ball and the free weights, cranked the music and went at it! After a few months of not exercising and being advised to put my leg up rather than doing much else with it, I thought I’d be back to huffing and puffing after five minutes ready for my arms to fall off. Well, I did a bit better. I lifted free weights for 15 minutes, did some calisthenics to strengthen my back and core for 15 minutes and then topped it off with 15 minutes of cardio by “jogging” on my balance ball. Since I’m really overweight, I’ve found the balance ball helps me out a lot and I can build my endurance since I can make it through a longer workout with the added support. It also forces me to work muscles without even thinking about it by staying upright on the darn thing, LOL. Also, it’s saving my knees from a lot of pressure from moving around with all the excess weight. I highly recommend them! For weight lifting, I lie back and steady myself with my legs. I keep my feet my hips width apart. The ball is also great for crunches since you flex back and are more supported than just flat on the floor. I was surprised that it was 45 minutes before my leg bothered me enough to make me stop. I adjusted my bandages but I don’t think I hurt anything, it felt pretty good.

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I have to say, I do like exercising once I make myself get started. I like feeling my muscles working, I like the feeling of breathing deeply and steadily through a workout (it’s a big thing for Asthma Girl) and when I’m done my body feels a little sore and a little fatigued but I get that tingly rush of endorphins and energy.  I get some water and take a little break, but then I feel better than I did before the work out and I ask myself “Hey self, why don’t we do this more often?” I have to push myself and during the workout, yeah, it can be tempting to quit, but when I make it through I love it because it’s suddenly apparent that it was so worth it.

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I had a nice, big salad and more edamame with a lot of water after my workout. It’s dinner that I’m excited about. I was looking forward to it all day! I’m so excited to tell you about it, that I took pictures! *squee*

What you see here is steamed broccoli with salt and pepper and lemon, tilapia that I baked in foil with a bed of spinach and shallots. I used Old Bay seasoning and a little white wine with a little olive oil to cook it in. There’s also some brown rice over there that I cooked with carrots, shallots, garlic, celery and spinach with a fun Mediterranean seasoning blend.  I have only made brown rice once before, but it was okay that time. Well… not so much luck this time. I looked nice, smelled good, I was excited! I got a bite in my mouth and BLECH! The rice itself was not tender although I cooked it forever. It was a little crunchy in some spots and left a chalky feeling in my mouth. I’m horrible at cooking rice. I went back to the pot to take a look and the bottom is all burned. It was both burnt and underdone. Fantastic. Not pictured is the garlic bread that I quickly threw in the oven to take the place of the rice.The fish, though, was delicious! It was flaky and tender with a great flavor. I made an extra piece to pop back in the oven tomorrow for lunch. When re-heating fish, don’t forget to add more liquid and make sure to only cook it until it’s heated through. If not, it’ll be horrible!

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So, I can rock a filet of fish, but I’m still in combat with making a great pot of rice. If anyone has tips for making brown rice, let me know! I followed the package directions, but my dad seemed surprised that it wasn’t common knowledge to me that I shouldn’t follow the directions given.

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Right now, I’m happy and full, but I want to grab something to shove in my face. Why? Because my dentist office called and even though my parents and I are on the same bill, I am older than 18 so their payments on the account haven’t counted towards me at all. I did not know this, they didn’t. Now, I have six months to pay it before they send it to collections. That equates to $65.00 payments every month. This might not sound like a lot, but I work retail part time and last week I worked a total of 11 hours. That’s not a typo. That’s eleven hours, divided by two shifts. It would have been 10.5 hours but it got crazy one of those days and I stayed a little late. It’s just a bit stressful. I was thinking that I was going to be able to swing it, but then I remembered that I’ve got a car insurance payment coming up in the summer that I’m saving for.

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So I’m thinking about these automatic payments coming out of my account and my dwindling hours and my savings account that has practically nothing in it and that my parents aren’t in a position to help me and my other bills and gas to get to work half an hour away and no other job prospects… and I am a bit overwhelmed. I’m talking about this because it’s keeping me away from the kitchen to go on an emotionally charged binge. I want to panic, but I know that I’m going to find a way to make this work out. My mind is telling me to get scared, sink into the doom and believe that there’s no way out and nothing will ever work out right ever! But… I know better. This is just life and a lot of this kind of life is happening to a lot of people right now. I’ll count my pennies, cut corners and learn how to squeeze blood out of a rock like those have before me. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, right?

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So that’s been my crazy day. I have burnt rice to scrape out of a pot and dishes to do. No panicking, no binging, maybe some meditation! And budgeting! Oh universe, you and your curve balls.

The best laid plans…

My parents and I babysit my 16-month-old niece a few days a week, depending on how her parents shifts overlap.  She showed up a little after 7am this morning, I was just waking up. This coupled with the fact that my dad had started goofing around in the kitchen before I woke up meant that I couldn’t do much in the way of making food. For breakfast, instead of chopping up a slew of veggies and whatnot for my omelet, I stirred in a few tablespoons of leftover creamed spinach. (spinach, onions, little bit of bacon, cream of mushroom soup) It wasn’t what I wanted, but it was quick and wasn’t too bad. Kind of had more of a quiche texture, interesting. I also managed to flip it whole and then fold it in half all professional like. It was a perfect half circle. I admired this for a moment before devouring it with hot sauce.

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The rest of the day was kind of hit and run as far as eating went. My dad had made bran muffins and a loaf of poppyseed bread, so carbs were kind of crazy. Meals are always erratic when hanging out with the toddler, LOL, and it didn’t help that the stove was in use. Oh well! Shoot, and I’m just now remembering the bowl of left over edamame from dinner yesterday! Augh, oh well.

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About those bran muffins… yeah, they were chock full of bran. Large amounts of bran… does things. I don’t have to say it, do I? Remember when increasing foods like bran, veggies, and fiber in general that it’s a must to increase hydration. Make things *ahem* easier in the end. @_@ When starting to incorporate more whole foods into your diet, your insides go a little crazy. This is normal and it won’t last forever! Your body will acclimate. I promise, it’s just getting used to the change in fuel that you’re putting into it.

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After all of that fun, I headed out to the college that I graduated from to hear a reading from Gerry LaFemina, an inspired poet and fiction writer that I was lucky enough to receive instruction from a couple of times when I was a student. His “baby” was, in part, the Controlled Burn Seminar for young writers. The year I attended there really impacted my writing and other aspects of my life. I was excited to be there. I would also be seeing friends that I hardly EVER get a chance to see and hang out with my favorite teacher of all time. She kept track of me and my writing even when I wasn’t in a class of hers, and she continues to push me in many positive ways.

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A hand full of his past students, including myself with some prompting (a lot of shoving, to be more accurate) read poetry aloud in tribute to Gerry and what he’s done for so many young writers. It was kind of mushy, lots of fun and made me feel like I was going to throw up, haha! I get so nervous reading to a room full of people. I forget to breathe. I shake a bit. Then I run from the podium, it’s fantastic. Gerry gave a great reading, as he is known for, and I really enjoyed myself.

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As much fun as I had, it was really hard for me. I don’t like being in public/social situations in the first place. Then, someone I didn’t know came and sat next to me. I could feel his body heat. The room just kept filling with people and they brought in more chairs. I could feel my shoulders stiffen even though I was trying to concentrate on my friends at the table. People were coming up behind me to talk to the author. Yeah, that’s right, I was at the cool kids table… not the wobbly one at the back, LOL. I was happy to be where I was, but again, I couldn’t shut out completely the thoughts of OMG THERE ARE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE!

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Another complication to being in a room full of people at a college that I attended last year is that I have some facial recognition issues. I am more likely to remember an article of clothing or jewelry than a face. I’m really good with voices, but faces just don’t stick in my mind. I even took a facial recognition test and failed horribly! So this is cause for anxiety because sometimes, I just can’t place who I’m talking to. It seems to get easier the longer I know the person and if I have an emotional connection, oddly enough.

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Anxiety and all, I survived and had a lovely time. My friends and I hung out with the author after most had left and then when he made his leave, we lingered a little longer to talk and make each other laugh. After this, I made a speedy exit to my car where I could blast my music (artist of the week is Russian singer/musician/songwriter Regina Spektor). Driving seems like such a good way to relieve all the knots that get twisted up inside me when I get stressed out. A little alone time after being more social than I’m used to helps me balance and feel better about my experience.

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I did grab some fast, cheap, crappy food for dinner, though. By the end of the reading I was hungry and my family had already had dinner hours ago and I was over an hour away from home. The honest truth is, though, I used to order so much fast food that I would order two fries so the person waiting on my would think I was purchasing for two people and not be completely disgusted. I’ve never confided that in anyone, but I’m telling you and I’m promising myself that I’m never going there again. It was so easy to order cheap burgers and other crap so I could binge and tear myself up about it. The old urge kind of twitched in my mind, but I ordered conservatively and was so glad that I had. The sodium is going to get me by morning, though! It’s not going to kill me, but I’m hoping to have things on hand from now on so that I don’t have to resort to fast food. I was going to grab the last banana, but the niece had dibs and she always wins.

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Tomorrow, I’m thinking a lovely piece of Tilapia and some brown rice for dinner alongside a pile of veggies! I’ll have to check out the food stock, but I’m sure we have the fish and the rice, just not sure on what kind of veggies we have. If there is enough fresh stuff, I’ll make an elaborate salad and make my own dressing! *squee* I looovveeee making my own dressings and vinaigrette. It’s easy peasy, no preservatives or junk, and totally customized to my tastes.

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I hope everyone had a wonderful day! I’m so happy to have seen my friends since I didn’t get out at all while I was sick for so long. I’m hoping to get together with them again soon.

Success one small step at a time.

So that’s me. Well, part of me. I guess this was more to test my picture posting abilities before I get into the serious stuff, like pics of food and exercise equipment and pretty things that I find.

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Today was very successful for me, and I have to acknowledge the small triumphs or I don’t make it to a big one. I made that omelet that I was looking forward to. I used very lean pork sausage, carrots, celery, spinach, two whole eggs, three egg white, a tablespoon of 2% milk, pepper and hot sauce. It was delicious! Also, very filling.  I chose three prunes as a sweet treat.

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Lets talk tuna! It was my lunch that I actually took the time to pack for lunch! I usually don’t put for the effort and then end up hungry anyway and buying crap. I forgot what wonderful person turned me onto it, but instead of slathering tuna with mayo to make tuna salad, I love to mix up vinegar with spices and/or some coarse ground mustard to dress it with. Today was pepper, ground mustard and tarragon vinegar poured over one of those nifty packets of Starkist Light Chunk Tuna. I love not having to drain and it doesn’t taste like can, a definite plus. I tossed in green onions, shredded iceberg lettuce and more of that spinach from breakfast. Oh, and more celery! I love celery so much. I packed it separately from my wheat bun so nothing got mushy and oogy. I packed with it some tortilla chips and a packet of Welch’s Fruit Snacks to keep me from being tempted by candy and other things like that. It was a great boost in the middle of my shift to keep me full and on the go.

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On my way home I snacked on a banana in the car to keep me sated through Fast Food Drive. It was a little bruised from it’s time in the My Little Pony lunch box, but it was yummy none the less.  I think having a piece of fruit on my way home is going to be great for me! No stopping for crap and no mindless munching when I get home until dinner is ready.

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For dinner the weather was nice, so my parents decided to kind of cook out. Hot dogs, french fries and baked beans. I kept myself fed through the day, so I had that on my side, but I also have a binge eating disorder and cannot always trust myself. While we were getting dinner ready, I tossed a steamer bag of edamame in the microwave to give me some volume on a healthy food so that my portions of the french fries and baked beans wouldn’t try to overtake the plate. I even got my mom to give it a go, and I think that she enjoyed it even though it’s a bit different.

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I doubt I’ll detail my day like this everyday. More like, a highlight reel, but I stuck to my calorie goals, avoided food and excuse traps, and I feel pretty good. No exercise other than work, but that’s something I’ll improve on when I get this leg unwrapped for good, which will hopefully be Thursday.

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I hope to get healthier and make better choices every day.

Girl vs Fat, Round One

I’m almost recovered enough to start exercising, which is very exciting for me. I’ve been itching to get back into my balance ball routine and start walking. I want my life back! I also plan to track my calories once again on www.LiveStrong.com since it really helped for that blissful while where I was doing things right, losing weight, and feeling great.

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So I had the thought that this extra weight is like two extra people. I have two extra people strangling my lungs and straining my back and wearing me down. Two extra people I’m carrying around for nothing, they do nothing for me. I’m going to kindly usher them out of my body. It’s going to be a lot of work, but after my recent medical problems, I’m motivated to treat myself the way I deserve to be treated, and that is healthfully.

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How am I going to do this, you ask? Even if you didn’t ask, I’m going to tell you. First off, tracking my food again. I feel like when I monitor what I eat and keep track of calories coming in and being expended, I can’t lose. Well, I’ll lose this fat, but I won’t lose my life to this lifestyle. I’m also going to be exercising again. Cardio, calisthenics and weight training. I start out with little things, but I’ve felt myself get stronger and work up to harder and longer routines before, and I can do it again and do it better.

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Food. I have a binge eating disorder, so food is hard for me a lot of the time. If a little is good, I think more will be better, I look for satisfaction and I’m not going to find it in an empty bag of empty calories. That’s where tracking comes in, and also some tricks I learned along the way. One of these tricks is to have a filling breakfast. I like omelets and they are versatile enough that I can eat one every day and not get tired of them. One of the things that got me to like eggs was to treat an omelet with my favorite pizza topping. No, not gobs and gobs of cheese and greasy meat, but it’s easy to do sensibly. I like ham, cheese, broccoli, mushrooms and pepperoni on my pizza, and it’s so simple to incorporate them into eggs. I slice up my veggies and chosen meat, saute them for a few minutes, then I dump in my eggs. I usually use two whole eggs and three egg whites. The whites add volume at only seventeen calories a pop, so I love throwing in a few extra whites to make my omelet seem HUGE. I like to melt a serving of low fat cheese on top to make it seem extra naughty and then throw in a slice of whole wheat toast. My tummy seems happiest when it’s had at least a little bit of carbs with a meal. Other things that I like to add to omelets are carrots, celery, water chestnuts, bamboo shoots, bean sprouts, spinach, hot sauce, smoked turkey breast, chorizo…. Mmmm, can’t wait for my omelet , now! Starting the day loaded up on veggies and protein makes me feel great and when I start the day off right, it sets me up to stay right for the rest of the day.

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Exercise. If you’re significantly overweight, I recommend a balance ball and some hand weights. I started off so small and got stronger every day. Never feel like what you’re doing doesn’t count, because every minute spent exercise has a positive impact on you. A minute will turn into two, then five and ten and then wow, you’re exercising for half an hour! Then an hour! It just keeps getting better. When you push your body, it will improve your body and it will become more resilient and will let you dish out more when you work out. Resistance bands are a great tool, too, and they’re compact and easy enough to use anywhere. Work from light resistance up to the heavy and feel those muscles working! I’m also planning on adding walking to my routine… and I hate walking. I hoping that it’s something that I’ll come to like as it was with the strength training and calisthenics.

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What I really have to work on is my emotional attachment to my fat. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? I’ve been overweight my whole life, though. When you look at me and wonder how I can stand to be so heavy, well, it’s always been this way, this has just been my normal. Food has always been my reaction to anything that happened in life. Happy? FOOD! Sad? FOOD! Angry? FOOD! Bored? FOOD!!! Well, it’s time for something different. I have to remind myself that food, though enjoyable, is fuel. I wouldn’t sit at the gas station with gas pouring out of my tank and just keep pumping away. I have to stop shoving food in my face when my body says “Enough or I’m storing it as fat because you’re not burning it!” I have to remember that I can’t be trusted with bad foods, so I shouldn’t bring them into the house. More cooking from fresh than buying packaged, more whole foods and grains, more veggies and incorporating healthy snacks like roasted chickpeas and celery with peanut or almond butter.

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When indulging, my aunt usually says that “a fat girl knows how to eat!” Well, this fat girl knows better and is going to start making good decisions again. I once found the balance between complete restriction and a free-for-all and it was a very nice place. I’m going to find it again. I’m going to improve myself inside and out, treat my depression with exercise endorphins and I’ll take you along for the ride if you’re willing to come along. The battle is Girl vs Fat and you’ve got ringside seats. There may be tears and a few sucker punches, but I think I’m going to come out on top. I’m not going to lose my life to this. I can lose weight and still eat bacon! It’s just that it’s a serving of bacon and not a plate of it.

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This isn’t a magazine, I can’t airbrush myself to speed progress. This is honest, and there’s going to be hurt along with the triumphs, but I’m willing to do this for myself, for the people I love, and I’m putting it out there in case anyone else can take anything from it. It’s going to take a while, but these two people are no longer welcome in my body, and as they wither I know that my soul will flourish.

Procrastination not always the best option

I procrastinate when sending mail, writing papers, cleaning the house. It seems like I need that pressure of the last minute to get my butt into gear and power through whatever task I’m dealing. When I procrastinate and put off things that deal with my health is when things can get out of hand, and they did.

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I hated going to the doctor. They make me and my big butt get on that tiny scale, I die a little inside because of how overweight I know that I am, I get examined, judged, lectured and I’m a hundred bucks out. After the appointment, I shove the unpleasant things out of my  head and relish the fact that I won’t have to go to the doctor again in months. Just sitting on that little table covered in paper raises my blood pressure. I get nervous and I dread the moment that someone walks through that door.

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So when things started going wrong a few months ago, I tried to take care of things myself. I have literally been sick since September. My diet was out of control, so I was puffy and tired. When I got sick with the flu, I figured that I’d have a few days on the couch and then be fine. I waited over a week and was knocked on my butt the whole time before I had to leave work and go to urgent care. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t stand upright. I shouldn’t have driven, honestly, but I made it. I was put on oxygen immediately and then given a nebulizer breathing treatment. Both of those things have never happened before. At the end of my appointment I found out that my lungs were bronchitic and I was very dehydrated. If I had waited another day, I could have been shipped to the hospital. I got a bunch of prescriptions and went home to rest for at least three days.  When my tests came back, I learned that I had contracted H1N1, or Swine Flu. Even the urgent care doctor yelled at me.

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I skirted disaster, but did I learn anything? Nope. I got every cold/flu that came into my workplace while I was recovering, and that took another month. Will all the illness and my body being pumped full of different medications, my immune system was toast. Well, I hurt my leg. It got stabbed or scraped at work, whatever, and it didn’t scab over. In fact, it was leaking. I figured that it was just from all the water I was retaining. It wasn’t funny colored or really painful, so it can’t be too bad, right?

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The wound spreads… and continues to leak… and doesn’t show any sign of healing despite the antibacterial save, dial soap, bactine spray and over the counter water pills. In fact, my leg is getting more swollen, and the wound spreads some more. I’m still contemplating whether or not I should call the doctor. It’s November by now, and I’m sure that I’m not insured anymore. I’m embarrassed and ashamed and scared. My mom realized my pant leg is wet and tells me to go to the doctor. After a few more days, I’m finally ready.

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I show the nurse at my primary care doctor my leg, and she winces. My nurse winces! Not a good sign. After some question and answer with her and then my doctor, I find out that with such a weak immune system, the conditions were just right for the initial wound to get infected, and spread to the surrounding tissue. She said that I was keeping it very clean and was doing everything right to heal up a NORMAL wound, but mine was not.It wasn’t a bad as it could have been, but it was far from good.

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The medical supply store was an interesting experience. I was given a prescription for gauze and pads. I got a LOT of them, too. I was sure that I wouldn’t need all of it. The woman waiting on me asked me how deep my wounds were. Deep? Apparently she’s seen them as much a six centimeters deep. Mine were pretty superficial, thank goodness. I’m beginning to think that maybe, I’ll luck out and heal quickly.

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With a tissue infection, I’ve learned, there is no such thing as a quick heal. A few weeks with my doctor, she wants to refer me to a surgeon. WHAT?!?! No, I don’t need surgery, but a surgeon is an expert in wound care, and that’s definitely what I needed. My new nurse winces, my new doctor explains the long, long road ahead of us. I get wrapped in medicated bandages from my toes to my knee. I could not tell the extend of the damage. I get a new wrap and a check-up onmy leg every week after this.

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Medication burns. After the medicated wrapping is placed on my leg every week, I drive myself home from the doctor crying. It felt like there were hot coals scattered on the damaged parts of my leg. I couldn’t do anything else on wrap days, I hurt too much. At night, when I put my leg up, it started to hurt deeply. Sharp, stabbing, gnawing, hot pain. I was hardly sleeping, maybe one or two hours a night. I cried and prayed and begged. I’m not intolerant of pain, either.

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Over a month of no/little sleep, I was a completely different person. I was irritable, I snapped at people, I was exhausted all the time, I felt sick all the time, I cried a lot and I couldn’t keep my head straight. I repeated questions over and over because I couldn’t hold a thought in my head. My doctors tried benadryl and xanax to help me sleep. I nearly snapped and then, they prescribed something for pain. Finally, I was sleeping. I would wake up once or twice for medicine, but I was getting five to six hours of sleep.

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Work was difficult with a damaged leg and I didn’t really do anything else. To much walking caused the swelling in my leg to get worse, putting it up hurt. My life was pain. I remember thinking that exactly, “my life is pain.” It was the worst pain of my life. I got really depressed and even missed out on events with my family. I didn’t feel anything like myself, I didn’t even feel human. The leg, continued illness, slowly recovering lungs, not being able to get much exercise at all, dealing with bad reactions to medications, being sent home from work sick… it was just a catastrophic amount that took myself away from me.

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So now, it’s almost April. I’m still seeing the surgeon, but today he told me that I’m almost done healing. I can sleep without pain medication and I can move around better. I can’t believe how stupid I was. I don’t know how I let myself ignore my problems like I did. This has been the worst experience of my life. I let past bad experiences with doctors and my own insecurities keep me from getting the help I needed until I was in the mess that I just told you about.

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I no longer fear the doctor. I get a scrape or a sniffle and I’m going! My doctors and nurses have really been fabulous and though the healing has been very slow, I know that I’ve been taken care of so well and everything was explained to me every step of the way. I know that I can’t procrastinate with my health anymore and as soon as my leg is free, I’m going back to a strict exercise plan. I never want to go through anything like this again and I don’t want anyone to be like me and put off going in for help. I could have gotten blood poisoning, I could have gotten the infection into my muscle, I could have gotten gangrene for Pete’s sake! One day in the office, there was a man larger than me, and he had a fresh bandage on his leg that was dangling and had been amputated below the knee. I thought I was going to be sick, because what if that happens to me?

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I’ll be healed up soon with some scars that I definitely won’t take for granted. I don’t want you to ignore the signs of something wrong. I ended up in months of pain, some people end up dead. My doctor is wonderful and letting me make payments that I can handle, there are clinics… there are ways to get in to see a doctor. If you don’t like your doctor, find a new one. I stayed with a doctor that made me feel bad about myself for too long. She didn’t care about me. There are so many doctors out there that care. I swear, the people I’m seeing now want to see me healed as badly as I do.

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You are worth anything in this world. You are worth a long, happy, healthy life. You are worth a doctor that will be a partner to help you achieve that.