This is the song that never ends…

Today, I am happy. I think that’s enough to call things a success.

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More tooth pain, leg pain, new hip pain and back pain, car problems, work problems, family craziness… lots of things have been keeping me down and out. For a moment, there was a thought that popped into my head and it was “my life is pain” and even as I was thinking it, I was horrified that the thought even popped into my head. I can’t afford those thoughts in my life, and I know that it’s not true. I’ve been hurting, pretty bad some days after a long shift, but my pain eases and my pain will, after a while, wane away. It felt like “my life is pain” was a thought from my old self, the self that dwelt in pain whether it was physical or emotional.

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So while one thing after another has gone wrong, when it seems like I’m either hurt or sick or both and worried about being able to afford being hurt and sick and afford the broken things… if I let myself think that my life is nothing but pain, it’s too much to handle. My life is much more than pain even though it’s been keeping me from doing things. I have a job, home, family, car (that needs a little work, but it’s a good car), friends, internet access, sunny days, comfy pillows, oil paints and bubble soap. So, because there are more good things in my life than pain, I am completely, undeniably happy.

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I finally got the compression hose to help the swelling in the damaged tissue of my leg. They’re a total pain in my butt, and they feel so strange and make my legs a little sore, but I’ll get used to them and they’ll help ol’ Franken-leg so it’s a worthwhile endeavor. I was shocked to see how much these custom stocking thingies cost. It was a little over $680.00! Yeah! Crazy! Luckily, even though I’m not insured at the moment, they were covered since the injury happened while I was insured and am still covered for care when dealing with Franken-leg. I’ve only had them for a day but I can tell they’re better than the inconsistent pressure of the ace wraps.

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Another balance ball bit the dust. It was supposed to be “anti-burst” but that particular feature failed as it definitely burst… dropping me hard on the floor. I managed to hit my tailbone just right! It’s been a little over a week and my back is feeling better but my hip is giving me problems, especially after the longer shifts at work that I’ve been getting. I talked to manager lady and she understands and will help me out on the long shifts, though, so I’m happy and grateful for that. I just hate being in so much pain and my bad leg being so tired that I’m useless to my coworkers for the end of my shift. It’s not fair to them and I’m really not supposed to be up on my leg that long. Oh well.

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New balance ball, and now that I have my nifty compression stockings I’m hoping to really get back into some kind of exercise routine! Ease back into things and try not to hurt myself, haha! I haven’t really been cooking much… well, I’ve just been working and then limping around the house as pathetic as that sounds! *sigh* One step at a time.

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Alright, I’m going to head off to bed earlier than normal. I don’t think anyone in my house slept well last night. Not sure why, though! Must have been something in the air.

Hi, my name is Glo and I’m addicted to food.

Today, I’m owning my eating disorder and thinking about it more deeply than I have before. This is something that is rooted deep in me, down to my childhood. When I was a kid, the relationship that I had with my brother was an abusive one. It took me a long time to realize that, to understand that it wasn’t just the normal “big brother picking on little sister” stuff. It wasn’t just sibling rivalry. And thinking that hurts so much. It hurts that no one saw it, that no one did anything, it hurts to think that of my brother now that he’s my best friend, it hurts to still carry these feelings after he’s apologized. I feel guilty and ashamed and angry and it’s something that I rarely express and when I do, I don’t completely express it. I’m twenty-four-years-old and I feel like something from my past shouldn’t have this much control over how I feel about things and how I feel about myself. I thought that I understood it, so I forced myself to gloss over it and accept that I was as healed as I was going to be.

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I remember pain. I remember fear. I remember the consuming sadness and hopelessness. I remember not understanding why this was happening to me, why I felt this way. I was just a little girl, I didn’t know how to express what was going on and, on the outside, I was able to convey happiness even when things were going out of control. I didn’t want to be left alone with my brother, I didn’t want to be around him when an adult wasn’t there, I wanted locks and to get away, but then again he was my big brother and I wanted to hang out with him, do things for him and I wanted him to love me. I remember wishing on stars and dandelions that he would love me and stop hurting me. I wished that there would stop being something wrong with me so that things could be normal. I remember vividly one day that we were playing in the basement where the video games were set up. His friend was having his turn at the controller and I was playing on the floor. I don’t remember what made him mad, I really don’t. I said something to him, I stood up and said something and it must have set him off somehow because he slapped me so hard across the face that I fell. I remember looking up at his friend, who was like another brother to us, and I saw him look at me. He looked at me and turned back to the screen. He aw me crying on the floor and didn’t do or say anything. Nothing. I was alone and hopeless.

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So, what does this have to do with my eating disorder? Well, I was depressed and abused and I hid a lot. I would hide under the table or lock myself in the bathroom and there was one thing that never failed to make me feel better, to make me happy, and that was food. I would sneak cookies, candy, cakes, bread, anything in the fridge or cupboard that I could get my hands on. In eating, I was looking for that satisfaction and that good taste that gave me a good feeling. I wanted to fill that void that being so sad left inside me. Food has always been my drug of choice and I was always in denial that my “drug” was a drug and that it’s been destroying me this whole time. I would binge and the binges started getting bigger and more secretive and I’d hide the evidence. It did not always stay hidden and sometimes, I think I wanted someone to find me and make me stop. I wanted someone to save me and make me stop and I wouldn’t let myself even think that I could only stop myself. I looked outwardly a lot and wouldn’t accept that there was no illness, no genetics, no anything that was the sole reason that I was so overweight. There was no pill, no magic trick to be a normal kid, a normal person. I have always been the one putting the food in my mouth, though. I was the one that didn’t ask for help and I was the one that would rather pretend to be happy and happy with myself and okay with myself. I tried to ignore my ever-climbing weight even though it was always a part of me, always affecting my life.

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So today, I’ve been exploring these feelings and this anger and this hurt. Maybe now that I’m seeing the connections and honestly seeing things for what they were and what they are… I can get a hold of it and start to really work on these issues that continue to hinder my progress in obtaining a healthy life. I don’t think I ever knew how to feel about the past that I had with my brother. I didn’t think it was fair to call it abuse, since we were kids and both had issues and have moved so far past that in our relationship. Well, my brother is no longer that angry, depressed boy and it’s okay for me to be hurt and angry at what was. It’s okay for me to own those feelings, and still be able to love my brother, enjoy the time I spend with him and look up to the man that he’s become. They’re really two different people that are worlds apart from each other. I also have to own the person that I’ve become, and that I can peel away from that little girl that would get bruised and knocked around then lock myself in some small room and eat cookies until I stopped crying. I have better tools to handle my feelings and the situations in my life, and it’s past time to be relying on Adult Glo. Little Glo keeps screaming for this satisfaction, this fulfillment, this happiness that I’m never going to get with food. I could eat until I was sick to my stomach, and I have, and not do a damn thing productively for how I’m feeling, and how Little Glo down in my soul is feeling.

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So, I’m questing to understand my addiction, my eating disorder much better and be more prepared to handle when these feelings rise and try to make me fall into old habits. If you couldn’t tell, it’s been an emotional day! The other night, a supervisor at work actually talked to me about my eating problems. She earnestly cared and asked questions. She treated me like a person and didn’t tip-toe around me. I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to her about it and how it was a relief to finally say something. I even showed her my drivers license since the photo for it was taken when I was at my highest weight. It was freeing to show her the ups and downs and I talked about my past triumphs and failures. In all of my relationships, it’s pretty much glossed over save for seldom emotional outbursts. Not the healthiest way to deal with things.

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So, yeah. I woke up late and took my antibiotic. I was ambitious and had a really nice salad for a late breakfast. We had this really great mix with all different kids of lettuce and spinach. I threw in some shredded chicken that my dad roasted the other night, feta, cucumber, orange slices and balsamic vinegarette. It was really good, but still, not feeling great on my medication and it kind of sat in my stomach like a brick. A little nauseous, but it was starting to pass. I tried to do some exercises and I got though my stretch routine but was feeling really uneasy when I got into the cardio routine. I guess slow is the way to go. At least I tried and my stretching got all of my muscles moving. I even managed to pull off a few sets of a Russian twist where you lay supine on a balance ball, legs keeping you stable while you stretch out your arms in front of you and lace your fingers. Then, you twist! You roll the ball with so that you get up on your right shoulder, then your left. Whoo! It’s hard to explain, but I found the example on a YouTube video before the whole Franken-leg thing happened and have been really wanting to try it out. It definitely helps you feel all the muscles in your mid-section and back.

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Alright, I’m going to get away from the computer. I hope you all have a great day! Emotional roller-coaster as it has been, I’m pretty happy with my day so far.

Hi there, I remember you!

Long time no see! I apologize, I really do. I’ve missed blogging and I’ve missed you guys! Just when I thought that my run in with bad luck was over and my life started to even out, I hit another snag… but I guess that’s life, right? First I came down with a chest cold and it really took me out, being Asthma Girl and all. That coupled with more hours at work kept me off the computer more and feeling pretty crummy. Alright, then I get some more hours at work and all of a sudden I’m working more than I’m off which hasn’t happened in a while. Hooray! Right? Well, my bum leg was used to resting more than anything else, and it’s been protesting. I thought once it was healed, I’d hit the ground running and I keep getting hit with the realization that it’s not just going to go that way. The edema (swelling) in the damaged tissue is still an ongoing battle and as my custom compression stockings aren’t ready yet, that battle is being fought with Ace bandages. They bunch, they slide, they come undone and I somehow managed to peel them off in my sleep even though they’re held on with Velcro and safety pins. Sooooo, I have a lumpy, bumpy Franken-leg. After a few days in a row of hours on my feet, I am not a happy camper. One day, it felt like there was a hatched buried in my shin. This was my fourth day of work in a row and with the warm weather hanging around, retail is getting busier. Luckily, it slowed down because my supervisor went to bat for me and my boss man let me leave early. I got home and immediately went to unwrap my leg to see what was going on (other than a leg that I had to rest for months now thrown into the swing of things) and my bandages had slid to mid-shin and my lower leg looked like and hour glass. Unwrap, elevation and ibuprofen began to appease Franken-leg.

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Then, last Saturday I notice that an area of my gums that I thought I had just scratched and made sore was actually becoming swollen. My mom noticed it, but thought I had gum in my mouth and my supervisor also noticed it when I went to work. Great. I do not have dental insurance. I was freaking out since if there was that much swelling in my gums/jaw, then I probably had an abscessed tooth. Some online research told me that I’d either need it pulled or get a root canal. I was floored at the expense of a root canal. Heck, I couldn’t have afforded to get it pulled. A friend heard of my plight via Facebook and told me about a dental program for low income people that would help with the cost. Whew! I called on the program that Monday (swelling held at bay by frequent brushing and peroxide rinses) and some wonderful woman had me enrolled that morning. She gave me the information on a dentist that participated in the program that wasn’t open on Mondays, but would be open the next day. I call and am told that I could be seen the 19th of this month. I tell the receptionist that I suspected that I had an abscessed tooth and had some pain. Her response? When can I be there. Really, she said someone could see me as soon as I could drive in. It was a little over an hour away, but worth it since my first visit with a diagnoses, cleaning, x-rays and treatment plan would only be $50. I finally make it to the office after getting turned around a couple times and am called back before I could get to the second line of the sign-in sheet. Great people, checked me out thoroughly, located the problem tooth and, yes, it is abscessed. An old filling has failed and let germies get in and created an infection. The nerves in my tooth are nearly dead from it (ugh) which explains why the pain wasn’t OMG!!! So now I have to decide if I want to get the tooth pulled or get a root canal. I’m going to see how long it would take to save for the root canal since I’d prefer to save the tooth. I’ve grown attached to it as I’ve had it for most of my life.

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So, I’m on yet another round of antibiotics to clear up the infection. The swelling is going down so I’m pretty sure it’s working. The only problem is that taking the antibiotics every 6 hours keeps me feeling kind of sick to my stomach all day. It seems like most foods make my stomach even more upset so I’ve been picking at bland, dry things. Yogurt and chicken have been sitting the best. I had a Subway sandwich at work the other day and definitely payed for it. It was nice to eat it, tasted good, I was excited over all the yummerful veggies, but it was too much. Oh well, I tried. I haven’t really been hungry too much, and I’m just hoping that once this round of pills is done I don’t go crazy. “I can eat again, OMNOMNOMNOM!” Haha! Actually, I had a piece of toast with a thin coat of smooth peanut butter a little while ago and I can feel the argument going on in my tummy. * sigh * I hate being on antibiotics! For the best, for the best.

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If that wasn’t enough fun times, my internet access is being restricted because I went over my allotted download space. I can barely get online and only at certain times of the day when a lot of other people aren’t also using their internet. Why did I download so much stuff even though I know that I have a limited amount? Well… a virus worked it’s way onto my computer. My layers of protection didn’t catch it and it started downloading more malware, spyware and all that crap. The computer is cleaned out now, but I’m still getting slapped with the violation and have to wait another week or so to get my internet back to normal. UGH!

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Oh, and today the fuel pump on my parents’ care went kaput. It sucks because they’re on a tight budget as well and it also means that they won’t be able to help me out with getting my tooth fixed. Their car is sitting in WalMart parking lot, poor thing. . I’m really hoping that this time, things calm down and my life levels off for a while. I have moments where I just want to sink into the frustration and let the trapped, never get out feeling get to me, but I’ve been pretty good at calming down, taking a breath and remembering that life happens. Yeah, this year has been off to a rocky start, but someone always has it worse and things will get better. When it rains it pours, it’s always darkest before the dawn, it always gets worse before it gets better etc, etc. I’m surrounded by wonderful people that I love and love me, I have a job even though it’s not the best one or a career, I’m getting my problems taken care of and I’m going to get better. I mean, how many other people are dealing with these same problems? Financial problems? Health problems? So many! Can’t even count. We live, we survive, we thrive.

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So, hopefully this time that I’m getting back into the swing of things… I get to swing a little longer.